Yesterday in 2018:

(Since I didn’t post yesterday)

7.11.18

I stopped by the office today and enjoyed a short visit. I’m so grateful my work people are MY people. Such a special gift..

I also had acupuncture. Which is always amazing and the full body reset that she does is magic. I spent the whole hour in my “gratitude rolodex” and thoroughly enjoyed the quiet and slow down of time. While there are parts of me that want things to move fast in this, there is another side of me that thrives in that quiet space of no

Another thing that was on my heart today was something a friend and I were texting about. This has been one of those experiences in my life that has taught me (and certainly continues to teach me) the tangibility of God. There are days that it feels like He is literally holding me steady on rocky ground. Literally feeling His hands holding me as I stand or walk on a ground that has uncertain footing. 

There are also days that it feels like He couldn’t be further away…. Which, interestingly enough, also makes Him feel more real than ever.

Kind of crazy to think that today was my original surgery date (it was easy to remember cuz it was 7/11/18…7/11 like the convenience store and also 7+11 is 18). 

Amazing what 2 and a half weeks feels like… I’m spending tonight reflecting on where I was at this time on the 25th. In my hospital room, not entirely sure which end was up, not feeling much at all, the blur of nurses in and out and switching out at shift change. People touching me and tubes sticking out of me and vitals being taken every hour (or so it seemed). Uncertain if the tissue that was transplanted would survive the night. Unsure of what it was going to feel like to move. Completely ignorant of the big picture and just sitting so still in the present moment because that is all I had the capacity for. 

This Day in 2018:

Filling My Days

I spent most of my day watching my kid play volleyball. It feels so nice to be able to do some normal things. 

As I get closer and closer to getting back to work, I am filling my days with more and more things so that it’s not such a stark change from doing nothing. And I’m enjoying filling my calendar with seeing friends and helping get my kiddos where they need to go. 

That said, I’m exhausted and going to bed. I did just have a major surgery 2 and a half weeks ago…….. 🙂 

Yesterday in 2019:

When the Silence Speaks

Tonight, I’m sitting in the silence…my head and my heart, reflective of where I’ve been. In the background I can hear the low rumblings that speak for the forces in the sky as a thunderstorm brews above….the sky uneasy and brooding. Then a loud clap of thunder and a snap of lightening. Wind gusts howl and huge rain drops fall, the sky releasing all that it has been holding. 

What an illustration of life. Storms that brew, tempests that annihilate. Quiet rumblings, loud cracks of release. Intense destruction, deep cleansing. 

And rainbows. 

This Day in 2019:

A Day and a Half

And here we are. A day and a half. My tattoo artist and I are getting started on my mastectomy tattoo on Sunday evening. 

I remember back at the beginning of this hell…I didn’t think I’d ever make it here. I couldn’t see it. I couldn’t imagine surviving all that I had ahead of me. 

Hindsight is a phenomenon that has such depth. Looking back and seeing the road that’s been traversed. Seeing how things come together and remembering when it was chaos. Recognizing the people and the events that transpired and cumulated to present moments. Finding little treasures along the way that had very little meaning at the time but glisten brightly in the now. This, all while knowing that what lies ahead is going to soon become hindsight and the cycle continues.

I’m so grateful I’m almost there. Sunday and the entirety of this process is going to be incredibly emotional and meaningful as this story is put into a picture that will tell a most beautifully tragic and transformative story.