There is such freedom in anchoring yourself to it all matters because nothing is wasted. In my cancer story, that phrase has helped me make meaning of this treachery. It’s helped me process the ‘why.’ It’s given me perspective. It’s given me hope. 

Today, in a completely different set of circumstances, I encouraged my kid to remember that nothing about what she is doing is wasted. She had to show up at a college camp and (for lack of a better word) “perform” for the coach who has stated that he is interested in seeing her play to help determine if she is a good fit for his program. Talk about pressure! Throw into that, she is the only non-local kid in her age/skill bracket. All of the other girls that she is grouped with are all from here and know each other or are the girls on the actual NSU team. She knows NO ONE. And what’s more – the coach is ‘testing’ her out…giving her tons of feedback. Asking her to do new things or do things differently and out of her comfort zone. He’s challenging her to show him her potential to learn and her response to feedback. And (no surprise to me) she’s totally rising to the occasion. 

As I drove her back to the next session after dinner, I reminded her that all of the effort she is putting forth is worth something. To play in that freedom of the ‘win-win.’ She’ll either end up playing here or she’ll learn why she doesn’t want to. She’ll gain knowledge about the game. She’ll gain understanding about herself. She’ll have experienced something new that only makes her better. She’ll have new tools in her volleyball toolbelt. She’ll have new skills for her life resume. And then I had to drop her off, watching her walk in and praying that she remembers this freedom especially when things get difficult…because inevitably they will. My Momma-heart yearning for her to cling to it knowing just how freeing it is to live in it myself. The reality, though, being that she will have to figure it out on her own. 

Girl, I’m so proud of you. Nothing you’re doing is wasted. Every step into the challenge matters. It all means something. And because you show up, because you do the work, because you want to be your best you, you’re already changed for the better. 

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I Am Allowed :: June 14, 2018

Today was one of those days where the heaviness of all that this has been has followed me the entire day. From the moment I woke up today. I have had that stinging about-to-cry feeling behind my eyes all day and a couple of times the tears just came. My heart feels so sad. My body feels constant pain. My mind feels totally maxed. My soul feels mournfully heavy. 

It’s so interesting how the emotional response to all of this can vary. How some days it’s anger or frustration, some days it’s peace and calm, some days it’s joy and gratitude, some days it’s sorrow and pain… And how each of those can also change moment to moment. 

And even though this sometimes feels like too much to bear, I’m grateful I know how to feel, I’m grateful I have the capacity to hold emotions. And while I’ve experienced much difficulty and some trauma, I am so grateful that I am not “shut off.”

My days are getting shorter. My timeframe is shrinking. Surgery is 10 days away and that feels big. I write that and I feel so overdramatic…But then I chastise myself for thinking that. This IS a big deal. This IS a huge surgery. This IS significant. And I am allowed to have my freak outs.

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Date Nights :: June 14, 2019

There is something about date nights… every single one of them has come with me crying at the table. 

Maybe it’s alone time with my amazing husband who has been through hell and back with me. Maybe it’s being reminded of the sacrifices he has made and continues to make. Maybe it’s the slow down of the busy parent-life and I get to look in his eyes and see the depth of our story. 

Maybe it’s because date nights usually happen at the end of the day or week and I’m even more tired and hurting than words can even remotely describe. Maybe it’s because I’m sad that a date night feels like too much to handle due to such exhaustion…and then the anger sets in about how devastating cancer is and how unfair it seems and that it’s a reminder of the reality of what it has taken. And yet how important it is to go anyway and battle through the pain and weariness because we are worth it.

Maybe it’s because I get nostalgic for date nights that preceded cancer. 

My heart is heavy tonight. It’s full because my date night was wonderful and it’s laden because of all that gets stirred up. 

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No post for 6/14/20

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