Since June’s theme has been ‘Simply Show Up,’ I’ve chosen to really live into that. There have been many days where the time in the life being lived was unable to also accommodate the time it takes to write and post. So, I’ve had to be very intentional, giving myself the permission and freedom not to post just for the sake of posting. What I’m learning: That I can purposefully practice that which I preach. *grin
That said, It’s been a very very emotional week. The full gamut: Highs. Lows. Balance. Unbalance. Heavy. Light. Pensive. Free. Calm. Overwhelm.
I remember at some point in treatment thinking that cancer won’t be my only hard thing. And I remember that being a stop-me-in-my-tracks thought. And I remember that being both an unexpected freedom and a desperate discouragement. Well, I gotta tell ya, this week, with all of the everything that I’ve encountered, that thought has come to mind often. The emotions of survivorship are H E A V Y. The way cancer changes marriage. The way cancer bogs my capacity. The forever-impact cancer has on my reflection in the mirror…and in my head. The permanence of the cancer-intruder, the cancer-companion, the cancer-tag, the cancer-monster. And then IN that, I AM all of what I am with all of the other important emotions that come with all of those other things. Heavy, no doubt. Hard, absolutely. Ever-present, yes.
Bad, no. This isn’t a whine-sesh. I’m not complaining (so often that is the conclusion often jumped to)… Instead, I’m simply acknowledging the weight that comes with the both+and of cancer and life.
And Monday I have my Oncology appointment. Ugh. That word. . . . . . .
A… :: June 19, 2018
…much needed productive day today.
…teary moment with my boss.
…night filled with laughter.
…tomorrow filled with pre-surgery appointments.
…day closer to this big surgery.
Brave :: June 19, 2019
I had someone tell me today that they think I’m brave because I’m choosing to create change and to live changed.
I didn’t think of it as brave.
But now I do.
No post for 6/19/20