“Courage is the first of human qualities because it is the quality which guarantees all others.”
Winston Churchill
Reminders :: June 13, 2018
I’m having one of those I have cancer? moments… I don’t know if that hits me because in those moments I feel relatively normal so it’s weird to think that I’m battling this disease….or if it’s simply denial rearing it’s somewhat ugly head. I look I the mirror and see that I have cancer. I work a crazy day and run out of energy quickly because I have cancer. I have to prepare a crap-ton of stuff at work because I am going to be out, again, for a number of weeks because I have cancer. I can’t play volleyball with my kid because I have cancer. I’m in bed by 7pm most nights, if not earlier, because I have cancer.
These things are such obvious reminders that my reality is this battle so denial can’t stick around too long….It’s just trippy…. Anyways, on that note, I had a crazy day at work and I’ve been in bed since I got home. Now ready to actually sleep…. At 8:30pm. Praying sleep comes easy and lasts long as I am in some significant pain tonight. Ugh.
Even When and Because :: June 13, 2019
Oh how blah I am.
Frustrated that I can’t participate in life like I used to be able to. Frustrated that a day of training takes so much out of me that I get home and immediately fall into bed and can hardly move. Frustrated that I physically cannot muster even the teeeeeeeeniest energy to go downstairs and eat something because my body hurts from anastrozole that bad. Frustrated that this is what I’m left with.
Grateful I can breathe. Saddened that this is my reality. That’s a difficult tension to sit in. I really really don’t want to seem ungrateful or unhappy…there is so much I’m grateful for and happy about. But sadly, my reality, is that all that I am grateful for and happy about is experienced THROUGH the filter of broken pain. And to add to this very complex tension, I can throw in there that I’m grateful to experience the gratitude and happiness through a filter of brokenness and pain because of the depth and richness that it offers me.
I can deeply feel. I can deeply live. Even when I’m broken. And BECAUSE I am broken.
No post for 6/13/20