I had an opportunity throughout today to remind myself what it means to walk what I talk……
It’s pretty easy in life to say or even think all the right things. Or the helpful things. Or the necessary things. Or the important things. But it’s another thing to LIVE them. To actually believe them. I SAY that it is important for me to trust that I’ll know what I need to know when I need to know it. I’ll even remind my kids of that on a regular basis and typically, I’m using this reminder when any one of us is feeling anxious about some unknown ahead. The unpredictability of it making it difficult to not feel overwhelmed or preoccupied. It’s in that bogged down headspace (and often an unpleasant physical response closely connected) that I remind all of us that soon the unknown will be known and soon we will have the information we wish we knew now.
……So, I have been a ball of anxiety these last 2 days. I’ve worked diligently, preparing for something that I was in charge of and expected to present earlier this morning. I haven’t slept great, unsure of how I was going to be received, having no context for what it needed to look like, unconvinced that the effort would pay off, having no clue how long it would take, and so uncertain of what it was going to be like teaming up with someone I’m relatively intimidated by… I was in a sea of all of the unknowns, only able to prepare with the frustratingly limited information of the present. While I reminded myself from time to time how to manage the overwhelm of the unknown with my catchy line, experiencing a little relief here and there, it wasn’t until today, on my way home, that I was tangibly reminded WHY my catchy line holds true. It was in the AFTER, where the unknown was now known, that my line was proved correct. I did in fact learn what I needed to know simply by showing up and being IN it.
I think I’ll change my catchy line to: If I remain present WHILE preparing for something that’s coming, using only what I KNOW and not straining for what I WISH I KNEW, my present will be more present and the soon-to-come will soon become the next present, where I will KNOW what I need to know.
A New Countdown :: June 2, 2018
Whew….What a week it was. I got a call from my plastic surgeon’s office on Wednesday. “Hi, this is Danielle from Dr. William’s office. We would like to offer you an earlier surgery date due to a cancellation. If so, your new surgery date would be Monday, June 25 at 7:30am. Are you interested?”
Um…….Yes? No? Maybe? Yes? Should I? I don’t know? Would I be foolish to say yes? Would I be foolish to say no, though?! Do I have to answer right now? I would hate to lose the opportunity… But should I answer right now? I mean, shouldn’t I think about it? But, yes!
But…..yes.
It seems a little silly to me that I got so internally worked up over this phone call. I mean, really, it isn’t a huge thing…it’s not like I was deciding on whether or not to have the surgery at all, rather it was just deciding the when. But, in some ways, it kind of is a huge thing. I went from having a “3 month” wait in my mind to a 3 week one. Granted, I know it wasn’t actually three months away, but really, if you think about it, it was May when I got the call and my surgery was scheduled for July 11 so in my mind, it was May…..June….July………… Now within seconds I was looking at making a decision to have my surgery in 3 weeks. 3.Weeks.
When it was 3 months away (again, not really 3 months but that’s the game my head was playing) the reality of the surgery was still “distant”…like it has been since diagnosis. All along this journey, “reconstructive surgery” was just a far-off element that seemed so intangible. In my mind it was more if I get there versus when I get there…because well, there have been so many difficult battles along the way that I wasn’t sure I’d ever get through it. I mean, I had to survive CHEMO. And radiation. All before even thinking about wrapping my head around recon.
And then there was Danielle…..”It’s yours if you want it…we’re just making our way down the list and wanted to give you the opportunity if you wanted it.” Yes. No. Yes. Yes. Maybe, but what does Chris think?! But he’s in Salt Lake? That’s so far away and he’s not gonna be home till Friday night. (Oh yeah, I can just call Chris because distance and time don’t matter with a cell phone. Oh wait, I am ON my phone, with Danielle, who is waiting for a decision……)
Thankfully, I had the wherewithal to ask Danielle, “When do I have to tell you for sure yes or no? Can I make some phone calls and call you back?” “Sure, call me back before the end of today.” Whew. Bought myself a little time to think clearly. And to talk to Chris. And text my mom. And mind you, I was also in the middle of a meeting with my boss. About my upcoming July surgery. Fortuitous.
Thank God Chris picked up the second I called (even though he was in the middle of a big meeting). And thank God my mom texted back right away. And thank God my boss was currently in a meeting WITH ME instead of having to find her and interrupt her. Within the hour, the decision was made. Yes. I was, in fact, going to take the earlier surgery date. I discussed and thought through the reasons TO do it and the reasons NOT to do it. One of those was far longer of a list…….
I called Danielle. I took it. It’s mine. And I have the email confirmation to secure it. So. 3 weeks. Major (MAJOR) surgery. With INCREDIBLE unknowns. And ASTOUNDING vulnerability. Requiring BRAVE trust in God, human surgeons, anatomical correctness, stars aligning…. 3 weeks… 24 days… The countdown is on. Please, Jesus. Get us there. And keep my surgeons well.
17 :: June 2, 2019
I put my hair in a ponytail today!! 🙂 I mean, it’s teeny and silly looking and I need like 17 bobbie pins to create the ponytail effect for some of the shorter hair, but I’m still gonna celebrate!!! Who’s with me?
No post for 6/2/20