It took Alice a hot minute, and several start-overs, to figure out that the conventional way of making progress was in fact opposite in her Looking-Glass House. As if walking toward the destination was actually losing ground, where running as fast as one could meant that one didn’t move, where valleys were hills and nonsense was sense and time and curtsies went hand in hand. . .
Based on this alone (and I’m only in chapter 2), Survivorship is my very own Looking-Glass House and I am, no doubt, my very own Alice. *THIS* is absolutely survivorship, much like the upside-down world of Wonderland.
One might consider progress as one thing but here, in my House of Mirrors, I learn that it’s the opposite.
It’s understanding that to gain ground is really to dig deep.
…That it’s not “leave it all behind you” because actually, it’s all within you.
……That it’s not “time to get over it” instead, it’s to get in it.
It’s trusting that the destination is not so much the distant end point as it is the footprint I stand in.
…That to frenetically search for meaning as I once knew it only leaves me breathless and lacking.
……That the momentum to advance is not pushing or pulling from the outside but instead it’s right within.
It’s believing that failure can be success as much as success can be success and that time is the key to it all.
…That it’s not the valleys to avoid for they offer much that the hills simply cannot.
……And time, when respected by the pause, can do so much to save, not only itself but those that live in it.
Survivorship takes everything that once made sense and flips it around to make a whole new lot of sense.
Even When I’m Broken :: May 23, 2018
I was having a conversation with a friend today… and I made a statement that I’d like to remember for now and for future struggles. The thought I had comes in the context of trying to define healing and wellness when those things are pretty relative to current circumstances. In other words, when can I say I’m “better”………..yet not really know what “better” actually means? What is wellness? Is “wellness” defined by feeling well physically? Does “wellness” mean that I am mentally stable? Or how about “wellness” meaning that I am emotionally intelligent? …Spiritually connected? ….Solid support systems in place? ….Vegan/Gluten free/Carnivore/Eat whatever I want? …Exercising regularly? …_____?
But what if I have a broken body? What if there are mental health struggles? Or emotional traumas? Or spiritual battles? Or relationship dysfunctions? What if it’s all of the above? What if I didn’t have a choice and cancer invaded my life in its evil, destructive ways and brutalized me in my physical, mental, emotional, spiritual and relational well being??? How am I well, then? When will the healing come? When will I be better? How can I obtain wellness when none of this is in my control? …….It occurred to me that I should probably be careful in how I define wellness because that definition will be directly tied to the hope I have that keeps me waking up every morning and choosing to engage in this battle…….
So, in talking with my friend today (as this person is in their own massive storm), they stated that in the midst of the confusion and pain and their own yearning for wellness and healing, they are finding ways to put the Word of God directly into their spirit…they are trusting the truth in God’s Word even if their head tells them different, even if their body is telling them lies…. And that’s when I thought to myself (and ended up saying it out loud to my friend), “What if there is wellness in the brokenness? The SAME SPIRIT that raised Jesus from the dead LIVES in ME, therefore, my spirit is inherently WELL. If I trust the truth of His Word and have it directly speak to my spirit, I am WELL. Even if my body breaks or my mind is confused….I am well as long as I trust His truth.
Like my friend said, we can choose to believe that His love is either everlasting or it isn’t. That His love is either unconditional or it isn’t. That His love is either CONSTANT and FOREVER or it isn’t. But, HIS WORD says that it IS all of these things. Therefore I will trust the truth in His Word and know in my spirit (even when my body and mind say different) that HE IS GOOD, that HE IS MERCY, that HE IS LOVE. ….And that I am OK….not “going to be OK” but that I AM OK. Even when I’m broken.
Magnitude :: May 23, 2019
I feel almost at the end of my rope. A word that just came to mind is “magnitude”…. Now I’m trying to figure out how to write the next sentence using that word.
The magnitude of my life… ??
The magnitude in which I’ve lived my life, especially in these past two years… ??
The magnitude of what ‘showing up’ has looked like all throughout this treacherous journey… ??
The magnitude of the toll the last two years has taken… ??
The magnitude of the weariness… ??
I suppose it could be all of the above. But I definitely feel like the word, in and of itself, is a perfect descriptor for how I’m feeling tonight. The magnitude of the weight of my story has me all sorts of overwhelmed tonight.
No post for 5/23/20