First, Happy Mother’s Day to my EXTRAORDINARY Momma! You are an incredible example of grace, love and grit. You are classy and you are sassy, you have the softest heart but no one better mess with anyone you love and you simply can’t help but give of yourself. I am so very grateful for you. To my daughters – I am so grateful for each of you. You teach me things that I wouldn’t have been able to learn without YOU being my kids. I love living this life with you. I love being your Momma. To my husband – I am so grateful I get to be Momma by your side. I am only who I am because of who you are. Thank you for your sacrificial and unconditional love. 

Now, my Alice thoughts of the day:

“‘The first thing I’ve got to do,’ said Alice to herself, as she wandered about in the wood, ‘is to grow to my right size again; and the second thing is to find my way into that lovely garden. I think that will the best plan.’ It sounded an excellent plan, no doubt, and very neatly and simply arranged; the only difficulty was, that she had not the smallest idea how to set about it.”

I think cancer hit me so hard because I didn’t have the time or space for it. When I got that call, I not only had to wrap my head around ‘I have cancer’ but I also had to figure out how to fit it into my very well designed life plans.

Except that that isn’t how it works. Silly me for thinking it did.

MY plans stopped. As did the capacity to make plans. That capacity was replaced by the directives to survive…go here to this really hard appointment, meet this doctor who is going to touch you in ways most people would cringe about, make this life-and-death decision that can’t be undone. Feel. Process. Parent. Wife. Work. Get through only the next moment because that was hard enough and the overwhelm of that moment was too much even for that moment. The 5 minutes to come felt like months away…and the months felt like years. Nothing made sense – time, existence, reality – I was upside-down. And there was absolutely no way my previous plans could take any priority over the present objective to survive. 

Cancer has sling-shot-snapped me into a new way of living. I don’t feel pressured to have to design my five-year plan, nor my one-year one and guess what, I don’t even have to know tomorrow’s because even if I did, 100 things could (read: will) happen between now and then. Cancer gifted me with otherworldly adaptability, trusting I’ll know what I need to know when I need to know it and even though it’s weird here because it’s relatively deserted, I like not having to know it all. I like not having to predict how it’ll be. And I like the freedom that comes with it. Freedom from holding things so tight. Freedom from being controlled by the need for control. Freedom from anxiety that I won’t get it quite right. Freedom from the shame of misstepping. Freedom from debilitating overwhelm. Freedom from oppressive fear. I could never have predicted this place but I’m so glad I’m here.

(Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, chapter 4 :: Lewis Carroll)

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Bad. And Some Good. :: May 9, 2018

Cancer is brutal on a marriage. I’m exhausted. I want my nails back. And eyelashes. And eyebrows. And hair. I feel so vain saying that… I get bloody noses almost every day. My entire body aches. My shoulders are in so much pain. My spirit is weary.

Yet……in all of that bad, acupuncture is amazing. I really love my new acupuncturist…another caregiver that has been so sweetly woven into my story. My husband remains by my side even in his own exhaustion. And a little 5 year old told me today that she loved my hair.

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2% :: May 9, 2019

98% of the time I have a good attitude…I get up, I face the day, I show up – to work, to wife, to parent, to friend….. 

Tonight I’m in the 2% of EFF THIS. 

I am tired of facing the days. Of showing up. Of putting on the brave face. Turns out the brave face is hard as hell. I don’t need a dose of perspective. I don’t need the “at leasts.” I don’t need the pep talks. I don’t need the ‘oh-my-gosh-Amber’s-in-trouble’ panic. I just need it to be ok that tonight I’m pissed. I’m purely livid. And I’m completely empty. 

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No Post for 5/9/20

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