Of course I couldn’t get through an Alice in Wonderland theme without this quote…it is mightily famous! (Ha, I find the more I read this book, the more I am talking like Alice!) There is such power in curiosity. Yes, in always being open to learning about life around you but also being open to learning about what is inside.
I got really good at being curious while I worked at Alternatives because it was foundational to being a listener and learner of people and their stories. And truly, it was the best part about that work. As I spent time and energy honing this skill (and inviting others to do so as well), it became apparent that it isn’t necessarily a natural thing. In general, people tend to give advice or share their opinions before learning anything about another person. People tend to struggle in listening because they want to do the talking. People tend to disengage with understanding other viewpoints when it gets too uncomfortable or challenging. People tend to draw conclusions about another person based on their own personal filters and experience. People tend to sympathize rather than empathize because listening to connect requires vulnerability. People tend to close up rather than open up. People tend to consider curiosity a slippery slope to losing convictions.
For almost 10 years I saw these generalities play out with thousands and thousands of interactions. And for almost 10 years, I also experienced the beauty of their opposites.
Give less advice and offer fewer opinions because people don’t actually need them, even if they ask for them. Listen most, talk least; listen purposefully, talk purposefully. Dig into understanding, discomfort and challenge rather than run from them because there is always something to learn. Conclusions are shallow when drawn solely on personal experience…not to mention, conclusions are short-sighted altogether. Empathizing is a gift to both parties, as is vulnerability…platitudes are meaningless and cheapen relationships. Opening up to another offers depth and makes the vulnerability worth it; protection of self simply deprives the self. And being curious doesn’t have to compromise convictions (though might I dare say, could it benefit to challenge them?).
This was all well and good (and still I learn and practice these values daily). But there was something I was missing that cancer has had to offer. From the moment I found the first mass -> a l l l l l l -> the way through to today, I have been learning how to be curious on the inside. Introspective, reflective, contemplative. Quiet. Slow. Honest. Accurate. To be curious about my own self… to trust myself. To listen to myself. To challenge myself. To connect with myself. To learn myself. In cancer, I find much because I’m looking for much. I can’t run away. I can’t ignore the quiet. I can’t distract myself. No. I can’t. Instead, I live “curiouser and curiouser.” Because what a gift it is to be curious.
Life Has Me Tired :: May 3, 2018
Work is part of that, sure, and a completed to-do list is a figment of the imagination. But life outside of work… Physical health, mental wellbeing, emotional ups and downs, spiritual connectedness, relationship preservation…..Parenting. Wife-ing.
In all of this I can see hard. I can also see good.
I was talking to a friend today that I haven’t seen in awhile. She mentioned how difficult it has been for her to see people in her life hurt in huge and deep ways. She talked about spiritual warfare and how the devil thinks he is getting his way. I have had to look death in the face. I have had to ask myself some big questions along this road. And the sentence I heard myself say: “Even if I die, the devil won’t win.” And it brought me a strange comfort. I’m not saying I’m gonna give up choosing to fight everyday, but it brought my soul a sense of peace that even in the hard, even in the seemingly unending pain, even though it might look like this will do me in…the devil will not win.
#10 in the Books :: May 3, 2019
Surgery today. My surgeon is pleased with how it went but as always, I don’t really get to see anything until day 3. So I sit in the waiting and the tension of hope and anxiety once more.
I came out of anesthesia today without the weepiness that I normally experience. So that was good. And there wasn’t any nausea, either! That said, tonight those things are a little different…weird that those effects are coming many hours past the surgery. I’m feeling emotional and weepy. I’m slightly nauseous. And I’m dreading sleeping because of the pain that is settling in. There is also the full bodysuit that I am once again living in for the next 6 weeks. And the nasty taste in my mouth that lingers for longer than I’d prefer.
But I can do 5 minutes at a time because I know it won’t always feel like this.
The highlight of my day – Nurse Sue was my pre-op, surgery and recovery nurse today so we spent a lot of time together. As she was prepping me this morning, she called herself a ‘coo-coo banana girl’ because she forgot something in the hallway and then told me all about how my anesthesiologist for the day was quite easy on the eyes as she also ‘woo-hooed’ about him. Crazy Nurse Sue.
Grateful another milestone is passed. Grateful for medical people who take good care of me. Grateful for my momma who spent the day helping me. Grateful that my husband gets to fill his soul with a men’s retreat trip. Grateful for my daughters who are compassionate and loving. Grateful for progress.
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