One of the most valuable things that has come from my cancer story is this totally new, upside-down concept and understanding of Time. I appreciate it differently. I use it differently. I see it differently. And now (as opposed to “BC”) I am not a passive bystander to it ticking ticking ticking away, instead, I choose to be an active participant in life with it. And what’s more – I have learned how preciously rich it is to do so even when it’s hard.

On a very practical note, because sometimes it’s easy to say ‘what’ without adding the ‘how,’ this is some of my ‘how’:
Well, quite like what I wrote about a couple of days ago. (Click to read all about the Story-Makers to Somewhere)
Or it’s reminding Caty (as we showed up to a 5-hour volleyball thing on Saturday where she didn’t know a single person and was way out of her comfort zone) that a short 15 minutes in, she’d at least know one person’s name. 
Or it’s letting a countdown be a combination of 5-minutes-at-a-time countdowns. 
Or it’s resting in the freedom that I know what I need to know for Now and that when Then gets Here, I’ll know what I need to know then. The unknown teaches me that…
Or it’s sitting here stringing words together day after day, minute after minute because it’s okay that it’s a priority among all the others. 
Or it’s knowing that all I have to do is my next best step. Strategy is only 20% helpful.
Or it’s letting go of constraints of time by letting Time simply be.
Or it’s taking the deep breath. And then another one. And then one more. With my eyes closed.
Or, like my friend Meghan today said, it’s “let’s craft more ‘perfect days’…like design them and do it!”
Or it’s boundaries. 
Or it’s saying “no”…
Or “yes.” 
Or it’s sitting in the density of the pain believing these 3 things: 1. Everything is temporary and it won’t always hurt like this, 2. I can do hard things and 3. This (whatever ‘this’ is) does absolutely matter.

I’m grateful for all that Time teaches me. May I keep being a willing student.

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Vulnerable Strength or is it Strong Vulnerability :: May 17, 2018

In Florida with my momma and my aunt and uncle. What a beautiful place, such gracious hosts, and pure relaxation. It will be so good for my heart. 

Traveling was interesting… There are a ton of people that travel the red-eye!?! Both flights we were on were full and the airports are bustling with activity 24/7. Crazy people. (Ha!) As I was walking around the airports today, getting on planes, watching people, noticing when people stared at me….a couple of words came to mind: vulnerability and strength. 

I feel vulnerable because of how I look. I feel vulnerable because I am battling an evil disease. I feel vulnerable because I am physically compromised in a lot of ways. I feel vulnerable because my body gets tired and I don’t have the energy I once did. I feel vulnerable because cancer makes everything harder. I feel vulnerable because the emotions can hit at any time. 

I also feel stronger because of how I look. I feel stronger because I’m choosing to battle an evil disease. I feel stronger because of how resilient I have to be to get through typical day-to-day things. I feel stronger because of how resilient I have to be too get through everything. And I feel stronger because I let the emotions come whenever they do and I allow my heart and soul to fully experience all that this is.

I’m grateful for this crazy hard life. I’m grateful for the perspective it teaches me. And I’m grateful for the people woven in it to walk it with me. 

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Broken Records. Intrusions. And the NCE. :: May 17, 2019

I don’t have much to say tonight. I feel like such a broken record. 

The pain is significant. This surgery is taking much longer to heal from. My back and “flanks” as my plastic surgeon calls them (otherwise known as the love-handle area) where he liposuctioned are hurting SO bad. And the bruising is pretty intense. And my inner thighs, another place he took fat, are incredibly sore and black with bruising. Typically, I feel better by the end of the second week but not this time…. 

Beyond the extreme soreness of my body post-surgery, I have a screaming headache, I have had dizziness and nausea most of the day and the bone/joint pain has been really bad. 

Ugh. From literally head to toe (yes, my actual toes ache) I hurt. And I’m tired….like so tired that words just can’t describe it. I’m so tired all I can do is cry. 

Not every day is like this (thank you Jesus) so I remain hopeful that every now and then I’ll get the small wins of lighter symptoms and side effects, surgeries will be a thing of the distant past and I’ll have more good days than bad……..but cancer is brutal. 

The thing of joy that I will try and focus on – I am eligible to take the National Counselors Exam (something I thought I wasn’t going to be able to do because of the unexpected intrusion and interruption of a cancer diagnosis and subsequent fighting for my life) and my friend sent me an audio study guide that is making me laugh. And, in turn, making me feel super hopeful for passing this beast of a test. So that I’ll cling to. 

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No post for 5/17/20

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