Oh the metaphors about identity that I connect with in the story of Alice…and I’m only in chapter 2! “Yesterday things went on just as usual. I wonder if I’ve been changed in the night? Let me think: was I the same when I got up this morning? I almost think I can remember feeling a little different. But if I’m not the same, the next question is, ‘Who in the world am I?’ Ah, that’s the great puzzle!…I’m sure I’m not Ada. And I’m sure I can’t be Mabel… Besides, she’s she and I’m I, and—oh dear, how puzzling it all is!” Girl. I get it. In every sense of ‘getting it.’
How about you, can you relate?
It’s an interesting question, ‘how do you define yourself?’ don’t you think? Early on in diagnosis as I was waiting to learn what my cancer stage was and what my treatment was going to have to be, I had so many people tell me, ‘cancer doesn’t define you’ but that has never really made sense to me. Yes, it does?! It absolutely does define me! It changes and it transforms. It removes and it replaces. It files down and it callouses up. It hurts and it heals. Imagine what things I would be cheated out of if I didn’t allow it to define me!
And therein lies the crux…
Identity is a great puzzle. Learning which piece goes where takes effort and time and patience. Many pieces need other pieces to be placed first for them to fit. And a puzzle isn’t complete until all pieces are there, even the ones we wish we could just leave in the box.
(Alice’s Adventures in Wonderland, Through the Looking Glass; Chapter 2 :: Lewis Carroll)
Tears :: May 4, 2018
There have been a lot of tears today. I struggled being in my own skin. I’ve grieved loss. I saw a picture today…one of those “Memories from this day” on facebook. It was a picture of me and Annie 7 years ago. I cried. I went on a date with Chris and while we sat at our table, I cried. For so many reasons. My Caty Girl had a formal 8th grade banquet tonight and she looked stunning. And I cried. It’s been a hard year and her resilience is incredible. We’re all holding so much.
Another Day 2 :: May 4, 2019
I’ve had many “Day 2’s” and you’d think that with all of my practice, I’d be used to them…but they are stinkin’ hard to handle, no matter how many I have lived through.
The pain is significant today. Whew. I loathe pain meds so crazy me, I’d rather be in pain than take meds that make a mess of my body. Another lose-lose situation where I pick the lesser of the losses.
Turns out, liposuction is brutal on the body. The nerve damage that it causes is intense – it feels like my skin and muscles are being singed by white-hot fire whenever I move or lightly graze my skin. It’s quite bizarre. It happens when I lay in bed, it happens when I move from a seated position to a laying down position, it happens when I pull down my pants to pee… There is only slight relief when I have been in a position long enough where I’ve “settled” in but flares up again the moment I move. And when that pain goes away in a few weeks, then what is left is no feeling at all in the areas of my body that experienced liposuction. I’m at a point now where a large majority of my body from neck to knees is numb.
Another thing that I get to experience on day 2 (and of course several more to come), is random, shooting, twinge-y pains in my scars because my surgeon tries to use the same ones every time in hopes that he only has to add a few more. So that’s fun.
Aaaannnnnddd then there are the emotional upheavals, too. I’ve cried several times today… When my head wants to jump out of bed and go for a walk but I can’t. When I have to move to get up to pee. When I want to crawl out of my own skin because it feels like fire. When I have to drink water because my throat is killing me from being intubated. When I get waves of nausea because the meds are working their way out of my system. When I think about how many Day 2’s I’ve had. When it feels like this will never end even though I know it will. When I think about what Day 3 will bring.
Tomorrow is Day 3. Again, I have practiced many Day 3’s but tomorrow doesn’t feel any easier. There is a part of me that dreads it and wishes that I could just stay bandaged up and ignorant. But there is also the benefit of unwrapping myself and taking a good long look in the mirror so that I can begin the journey of acceptance. That is such a hard tension to sit in…and I wonder if I’ll ever truly accept this body.
Now, to sleep. The middle of the night is the most emotional. It’s quiet, it’s dark, time moves like cold molasses and sleep is hard to come by. I find my mind and heart process this story of mine at a deep deep level while I drift in and out of sleep.
My soul is hopeful for tomorrow’s Day 3 reveal. And I will cling to that hope as much as I can.
No Post for 5/4/20