And the theme of March will be grace. Grace upon grace.
grace [ greys ]
noun.
Beauty of form; favor or goodwill; a pleasing or attractive quality.
Tonight I’m exhausted. Crazy to me that life at Alternatives came with 100s of presentations…the same one done several times in a row on the same day or different presentations for several days in a row, all with full audiences of varying sizes, purposes and demographics, constantly having to be ‘on’ and ready for anything. Oh how I loved LOOOOOVED it. Some of my favorite memories are rooted in this role. And the ultimate best part of this – the people I got to meet along the way, many I can still picture in my head. Oh the stories woven together… me sharing my heart with them, them sharing theirs with me.
This morning, I got a taste of that again. I’m so grateful my colleague and friend asked me to share. The women in the room, incredible. Their stories, no doubt beautiful. And it was SO energizing for my soul to be back in a role that beats with my heart.
I shared about how grace requires courage. How my tragedies and traumas and sufferings have taught me a depth of grace only learned from the center of the ache. I invited them into their own process of considering courageous grace in light of their own stories. We connected, we wove our experiences together and they were such a gift to me. I’m certain I’ll use much of the content as part of my blog this month, so stay tuned if you’re interested. Tonight, though, my post-treatment body and mind are spent and my body capitalH-Hurts, capitalB-Badly. Capacity sure looks different in survivorship… I know this by now, but it is when I actually do something on “this side” of treatment that I used to do on “that side” that I FEEL every bit of cancer’s claws.
*Post 1067
Life Abundant :: 3/4/18 :: Post 181
Pineapple babies and silly pictures
Puzzles and “my trees”
New Kids on the Block and Michael Jackson
Laughter
Ice cream
Thumb microphones and dancing
Superpowers
Family memories
Life abundant
And now fully over-stimulated and sooooo ready for sleep. But happy dreams to me. 🙂
Inevitable :: 3/4/19 :: Post 538
Pain was less today. As was nausea. Not by much but enough to notice a difference.
It’s interesting to me that now that I am battling a health issue, I am much more keenly aware of my body – the way it feels, the muscles and tendons and how they connect everything, pain and sensation or the lack thereof, the difference between tiredness and pure exhaustion, when my stomach hurts because I ate something it didn’t like or when it hurts because of tamoxifen, a tired soul vs a weary mind……
I feel beat up. I feel angry with my body. I also feel sorry for it.
Tomorrow morning I have my post op with my surgeon. And this time I’m easily feeling the anxiety that comes with it. As it always goes: “OK, let’s take a look in the mirror,” he says and I take off the robe and we both look in the mirror as he processes what he sees. Does he like it? Is he pleased? What do his facial expressions say? What about me, do I like what I see? If I don’t, how do I tell him (I mean, I am essentially criticizing his craft, his expertise, his passion, his livelihood…maybe even his ego….)???
Ugh. That feels hard. I know that I can be honest. And I know he wants me to be happy. And I know that I am one of hundreds of his patients and that he likely won’t take anything personally. But tomorrow feels harder to me than the post-ops before because, well, I guess I feel like the stakes are higher….the losses are bigger….the realities are harsher… Being that we are getting close to being out of options (if we aren’t already there), the “settling” is inevitable. Maybe that’s why this one feels harder…the settling is inevitable.
Maybe that’s why I’ve randomly cried all throughout today. Tomorrow’s appointment feels loaded. Unpredictable yet predictably hard. Vulnerable and raw. Uncertain and heavy.
I am grateful for so much. And I’ve done hard things. Tomorrow is no exception….
No Post for 3/4/20