And the theme of March will be grace. Grace upon grace. 

grace ^{[ greys ]} 
noun. 
A pleasing or attractive quality.

I used to not be very flexible. And I’m not talking the ‘can-do-the-splits’ kind. For real, ask my family. If one thing had to change in the day, I did not handle that all too well. And when I really really felt thrown off, I handled my unbalance with irritation and borderline anger. It wasn’t pretty. And it’s not something I feel really great about admitting.

But grace, right?

Since diagnosis and treatment and allllllll that I’m learning, I’ve gotten significantly better at morphing with whatever changes the day brings. I still bristle a little from time to time because, well, I’m human, but I’m WAY more flexible now than I used to be. And I’m grateful, so very grateful for this change. That’s what comes with learning to live 5 minutes at a time.

Today, I had a pretty specific plan for the day. I had things to accomplish (including some self-care) and even some upcoming deadlines to keep in mind. And then my mom texted and asked if she could drop something off. Absolutely, of course! I love when my mom stops by. And sometimes it’s simply that. And sometimes it’s not and we sit and chat and before we know it, 2 hours have gone by. Today was one of those days where we just got to talking. And my plans, as I had set them in the morning, were put on pause (not to be picked up till tomorrow afternoon). 

But it was the best pause. ‘Cuz I thought to myself (and it was something I talked about in my presentation yesterday), that if I didn’t make it to tonight or if my eyes didn’t open up tomorrow morning (because I know, REALLY know, that this is always a possibility because I’ve tasted it), what would I have spent my time on? What would my people have as a memory? And I was immensely grateful that my mom and I shared conversation instead of feeling rushed to our next thing…whatever that thing was. I was immensely grateful that she chose to spend time with me and that I wasn’t so wrapped up in my plan for the day (because I’ve been *there,* too) that I missed the opportunity to simply sit in space and time with her, not accomplishing anything on a to-do list but investing in something far greater. 

Obviously there are times when it is necessary to live within the bounds of the tasks that need to be completed and sometimes deadlines and to-do’s and expectations need to be included in the priorities…but that is where grace comes in – sometimes we get it right, but when we don’t, are we willing to try again and allow the grace in the pause to challenge our everything-has-its-place presumptions?

*Post 1068

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Eleven of Twenty Eight; Two of Twelve :: 3/5/18 :: Post 182

Today was radiation #11 out of 28 and chemo #2 of 12 (of a two-drug regimen that has been more tolerable so far). 

Then work. 

Then home. 

Now in bed. 

What a day….

Cancer is exhausting and dreadful. And battling it is draining and time-consuming. And man does my body hurt. 

As I lay here tonight, I’m grateful for how far I’ve come. I’m also very aware of the toll the battle has taken and I’m feeling the weight of what’s left. 

I most certainly will rise again tomorrow…for another radiation treatment and work and home and life…

But I’m tired.

(And for memories sake, I posted this on Instagram and Facebook today: “Chemo 2 of 12 with two (more tolerable) drugs. Radiation to start the day… Drawn in eyebrows that are surprisingly even…. Peach fuzz on my bald little head… And sunshine coming in through the windows of the infusion center (a place I was oddly looking forward to seeing today, and nurses that make this awful chapter of my life a whole lot lovelier.)”

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Post Op Day :: 3/5/19 :: Post 539

Post-op day…. and with it comes all of the feelings. 

I was super anxious this morning. I didn’t know how the appointment would go and I wasn’t sure how I was going to tell him that I am not ready to call it done. I wasn’t sure if he was going to look at me and say, ‘wow, this is great and I think we’ve done all we can.’ I wasn’t sure if he was going to see what I see. I wasn’t sure if we were going to be on the same page. 

…I realized today another reason I was so anxious: After surgery on Friday, as soon as Dr. W said “We worked so hard for you and we did some difficult things to get us to our goals,” he made it personal. For the previous surgeries, it was my body or radiation or fat not living that were the issues; the finger could be pointed at what my body wasn’t doing right. But Friday’s surgery was different and was less about my body and more about this guy’s skill….and that our options were running out. 

Also, I wasn’t sure if I was really sure that I am not ready to call it done. Maybe it is time to just be done. Maybe it is time to settle. Maybe I shouldn’t say anything but ‘thank you and I’ll see you in 8 years when it’s time to replace these things’… 

Ugh. I just didn’t know how to feel. On one hand – enough already. On another – the rest of my life is a long time.

And then he walked in. 

“OK, let’s take a look at see how you’re healing.”

Down came the robe. Up went my anxiety. I could taste the uncertainty….and it was bitter.

Then he proceeded to say that while he was very pleased that we are certainly closer to our goals, he could see several places that he’d like to keep working on. Provided I felt the same way, of course. 

Sigh of relief. I didn’t have to say anything…he said it for me. It was like he was in my head. And I’m so grateful it went that way. 

He listed the things he wants to do next revision and his nurse took it all down. And we discussed how it will likely be my last because we are that close. 

We were on the same page. Again. And today felt hopeful. And this guy is the real deal. 

The cherry on top of the day – after my appointment, I got to meet the MyLifeLine website team for lunch. I’ve created a friendship with one of the website’s staff members and she just wanted to have me down to their office to meet the team. MyLifeLine has literally been my lifeline as I have used it to put my journey down ‘on paper’ and catalog all that I am learning through the most difficult time of my life. The conversation we had was wonderful. The time spent, honoring. They told Chris and I a little bit about themselves and their work through MyLifeLine and Cancer Support Community and then they wanted us to share our story. And they just listened. 

On the way home, Chris asked me how I was feeling because I was really quiet. My response was that I was simply in awe of our story. Of our resilience. I’m living my story every day but when I am asked to share it and put it all out there as a start-to-‘finish’-beginning-to-‘end’-narrative, it makes me very reflective. Reflective of all of the devastation. The hard. The richness. The transformation. The gratitude.

Tonight, I wrap up my day feeling grateful. While I am more nauseous than I have been in weeks and I’m in pain and uncomfortable and we keep having to endure more hard things in addition to cancer, I have much to be thankful for.  

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No Post for 3/5/20

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