Do you know the power of your authentic emotions and feelings and experiences and awarenesses? We so often walk around with masks on… we cover the authentic self for OHHHHHHH so many reasons: our own fears, our own insecurities, our own protection (and believe me, there is a time and a place any one of these masks for sure) but there is hidden power in authenticity.

Now, before I go on, let me be clear that I think authenticity is taking a very clichéd turn. “Everyone” seems to be talking about it and it seems to pop up “everywhere.” And whenever something becomes cliché, it starts to dilute, its meaning starts to erode, it starts to be the end of itself. It too quickly becomes ‘talked out’ in the negative turn of the phrase (like “overdone”) and the “buzziness” of a once-strong sentiment is now bordering on boring and weak. (I guess that’s why I struggle so much with repeating clichés….) Oh how unfortunate this is and boy does it pain me to say this about one of my favorite life values. 

Anyways, despite this, I will still esteem authenticity, I will believe it as something to honor, I will continue to talk about it and I will strive to learn all that I can about it. 

Here is what I already know about authenticity: 

1. It is rare.
2. It doesn’t tend to be comfortable for most people.
3. It isn’t received well in general so it’s not often ‘let out.’ 
4. Shame is all tangled up with it for loads of reasons – someone made fun of it, someone devalued it, someone pitied it, someone weakened it, someone threw darts of judgment at it, someone pitted it up against some human-filtered religious so-called fact, someone blackmailed with it. . .

And here is why: In our upside down world, 

1. Masks are seen as strength: “Grin and bear it” because any feeling less than that shows immaturity, weak hope and weak faith.
2. It is misrepresented in that EQ (emotional intelligence) is deemed high when emotionality is “even” and “steady” and “unwavering.”
3. It is made to feel undesired because pity comes in place of praise.

But, today. . .  

Gratefully, I experienced something fresh, in even my own experience and understanding of authenticity. Today, in an impactful interaction with a colleague, I saw a new nuance of an old value, one that deepened my appreciation not only for *why* I hold authenticity as a value but also deepened my appreciation for my friend. 

My friend offers a mutual capacity of real-ness. She allows it from me (judgement-free) and shares it with me (unafraid). She shows her vulnerabilities (judgement-free) and holds mine (unafraid). And it is a gift because….well, all that I listed above. But today, beyond this in-and-of-itself-amazing capability, she actually thanked me for it. And even more, she told me that my authenticity brought her freedom in her own. <— And that right there is the nuance I speak of. That right there is the power that I alluded to in my very first sentence. That right there is the ‘something new’ that I learned. By being real, you offer the FREEDOM for another to experience THEIR OWN real. Not just trusting them with yours, but gifting them with a level of their own that they hadn’t yet reached. A new revelation. A new understanding. A new motivation. A new real not yet known until you showed yours.

Instead of listening to the upside-down lies of “keep it together,” what new frontiers of emotionality and emotional intelligence and depth of experience and life understanding would come from this unlocked freedom?

*Post 1058

1 Down. 4.5 To Go :: 2/23/18 :: Post 173

Week One. Done!! 4 1/2 to go. And what a week. Whew. I’m thoroughly exhausted. 

Radiation. Wife-ing. Parenting. Work. 

Life. 

Cancer. 

I texted this to a friend yesterday in response to him asking how I was doing: “I’m ok. Moments of normalcy that feel good. Moments of despair because, well, I have cancer and that’s a big thing and I have much ahead. Moments of awe and a little sadness with where I’ve been. Moments of wondering what’s next.” 

This is all so hard….

On a positive note, Chris and I went on a date tonight and in addition to enjoying time spent with him, I got to enjoy food. Mmmmmmm. It’s so awesome getting to taste again. And have it not upset my stomach too bad….or cause dreadful heartburn, nausea and puking. The little things……….

Weird :: 2/23/19 :: Post 529

I was able to put some more feelings into words today…. I was texting a friend and she asked how I was. I answered, “I’m ok. Survivorship is weird.” She replied, “why?”

Why? Why is survivorship weird? It was an important question that gave me pause to actually articulate my ‘why.’

My response – “The hard kill-cancer-treatment is a thing of the past so that SHOULD be a good thing. And in some ways it is. And I celebrate that. But the long-term meds (to keep-cancer-away) are awful. I’m not intensely sick but I’m just sick/uncomfortable enough that it sucks to be that way 24/7.”

In other words – the dreadfulness of chemo and radiation was barely survivable and was so incredibly hard, but there was an end. Every 21 day chemo cycle came to an end, each round got me closer to my goal, every day of radiation was one more day done, and I’ll never have to have radiation ever again….there were ‘ends’ to the worst experiences of my life. 

But survivorship doesn’t end. If I choose to continue tamoxifen (because it’s my best chance of preventing recurrence) I have 3000+ days left of feeling awful. 24/7. 

2 4 / 7. 

Like I told my friend, while I’m not intensely sick like chemo-sick, I am just sick enough that 3000+ days of it feels unending. 

And I SHOULD be happy I’m not still bald (and I am) but I hate the short-hair-look on me. I know, I know….it’ll keep growing……but the scars, well those are forever. 

That’s why survivorship is weird and in a way, harder than I ever expected. 

(No post for 2.23.20)