A word keeps coming up: ‘courage.’ Oh man the depth that that word holds…. The quote that I want for today is something from another Louise Penny book:

“How much more courage it took to be kind than to be cruel.”

(How the Light Gets In, Louise Penny) 

What do you think of this quote? What is courageous about kindness? Why might this ring true even out of the context of the story Louise was writing? As deep as I know the value of courage can go, I so appreciate her connection of courage and kindness…an example so perfect to its depth.

Can this sentiment change you for the better? 

*Post 1062

The Desert :: 2/27/18 :: Post 177

Oh the unpredictability. 

Today I breathed correctly 9 out of 10 times……. Yesterday I sucked at it. Today I rocked at it. 

So far I haven’t found a rhythm or even an in-between. 7 out of 28 treatments completed…1/4 of the way done. Here’s hoping for some consistency as I get through each day’s treatment. 

I feel like I’m in the desert of this journey. One step in front of the other and movement is happening, but there is monotony, lack of clear direction, no anchor point to know where I’m headed or where I’ve come from because every horizon looks the same… am I moving forward? Backward? In circles? Am I standing still thinking I’m moving but it’s just an illusion? 

I don’t have much more to say tonight. I’m tired and have to get up early for another day of radiation and then work and then home. 

Tears :: 2/27/19 :: Post 533

I sometimes end my days with tears. As I lay in bed and think through the day so I can write it out, I often get teary and emotional as each day has so much hard. And then because the night time can bring out the loudness of my anxieties or emotions or fears instead of rest, it’s just too much to handle sometimes.

But today, I started my day in tears. I slept awful (more than normal-awful ((and sad I have a normal-awful))) and was tossing and turning so much all night long. Pain, restlessness, hot-flash-throw-off-the-covers-in-desperation-to-cool-off-just-to-become-instantly-freezing temperature changes e v e r y  h o u r, leg cramps and joint pain, upset stomach and emotional unsettledness kept me from getting rest. 

Ugh. 

So this morning, as I rolled over hoping to see the clock read 2am cuz it meant I could try for more sleep, I instead saw 5:25….a whole 5 minutes before my alarm was to go off. 

I was devastated to see I only had 5 minutes left of laying in my bed…because this day, instead of the night time being anxiety-producing, it was a refuge. There was comfort in the quiet…there was safety in the dark.

I didn’t want to start the day. I didn’t want to face the hardness that laid ahead. I didn’t want to shower and get ready and get dressed and look in the mirror. I didn’t want to go have to be responsible for anything. Instead I wanted to sleep. I wanted to stay in the refuge of the darkness that I was feeling.

So I cried. I cried because thinking about the day ahead was just too much.

But I had to get up. And the only thing that got me out of bed and got me to pull it together was thinking very short-term. Can you get your feet on the ground? Ok good. Can you get to the bathroom? Ok good. Can you get through a shower? Ok good. Let’s put on some makeup….then fix the hair….then put on the outfit (then manage the meltdown that came from that)…then I flipped off the mirror and the insecurities that it reflected and went downstairs to make my coffee and leave for work.

I continued to survive the day by living short. And it wasn’t a bad day, thankfully. 

And now I lay here, listening to my daughters laugh, and while teary again, my heart feels grateful. 

(No Post for 2/27/20)