Physically, I’ve had a pretty good day! And although “good” is about 65%, I’ll take every little decimal of that and celebrate it. And volleyball practice tonight was SO good – both my energy and the girls’ efforts.
Psychologically, I’m ok. Thrilled that I passed my test. Curious when/how the next step will come into focus. Preoccupied by it yet because I live in the 5 minutes, I’m able to also be relatively productive.
Soulfully, I’m a mixture of hopeful and devastated as I wrestle with the exciting ‘what’s next’ of survivorship and the ‘what’s missing’ of it.
As a mom, I’m concerned for my kids…each struggling with difficult life circumstances. Watching how cancer has molded their filters and world views, their experiences and their coping…and feeling so responsible (illogical as it is) for their struggles. That is a heavy weight to process.
As a wife, I’m heavy-hearted knowing how hard cancer has been on my caregiver-husband…what he’s had to witness. What he’s had to endure. What he’s had to lose. And yet hopeful that he sees through the pain to what he’s also now gained.
As a daughter, I sit here grateful for my parents. They show up time and time again…with helpful resources, consistent relationships, constant encouragement. With gratitude I hold sadness as I can’t imagine what it would be like to watch one of my kids endure the hell that is cancer. The awe of resilience or not, it’s still hell.
As a friend, I hold pain and hope, empathy and prayer. I have some seriously hurting friends…and it is preciously tough to sit in the pit with them.
As a professional, I am content in my very flexible, very affirming, very varied job. It’s such a great fit for where I am. I also desperately miss client work and social work and ‘story work.’ I remember telling myself when I knew it was time to leave Alternatives, “It’s time…I don’t want to look back and have only done one thing.” Cancer and getting to the end of myself, my catalyst…but it hasn’t come without its loss.
As a survivor, I recognize the wide spectrum of cancer. It’s only because of how deep the pain is that I can reach the heights of awareness and gratitude that I do. That’s simply nuts but I’ll hold tightly to the richness and remind myself of that value often.
*Post 1044
(No Post for 2/8/18)
Nothing :: 2/8/19 :: Post 514
Today is one of those “nothing” days. There was plenty that filled my day but as I lay here ready to fall asleep, I’m just blah.
Plenty of good things to be grateful for.
Plenty of difficult things to learn from.
But too tired to put anything into words.
(No Post for 2/8/20)