An important both+and in life is recognizing that winning goes beyond the scoreboard…. Catelyn and I talked about that today after a tough loss, a loss that came after a really stellar volleyball weekend.
It’s easy to feel good about the win measured out by lit-up numbers on a wall…it may not have been easy to get, but of course it is nice to be rewarded in that way. What is harder, though, is recognizing what is a win when the (literal or figurative) scoreboard doesn’t reflect it.
We live in a world where losing isn’t tolerated. We make fun of those who come in 2nd place….take these tragic quotes, for example: “There is no such thing as second place. Either you’re first or you’re nothing,” (Gabe Paul) or “No one remembers who came in second,” (Walter Hagen) or “Second place is just the first place loser,” (Dale Earnhardt) or “2nd Place – Congrats, you’re almost good enough,” (Natalie Dee) or “I’m just far too competitive to think losing is acceptable” (an acquaintance of mine). Are these people for real? “You’re nothing”??!?! “You’re invisible”???!? “You don’t measure up”!!?!? “You’re rejected”?!??! Good gracious, how sad for them that this is what they believe and that this is what they are known for. May I NEVER be like them.
Losing is hard. I know. I’ve lost a whole lot in my life, both on and off the court, so much so that I’ve gotten “good” (read: practiced) at it. Of course, it doesn’t ever feel good, and there is no doubt about the reality that there is more ahead of me, yet, I’ve learned that in the disappointment and grief of losing, there is almost always……no, I’m going to change that to ‘always’……there is always something that goes in the ‘win’ column, no matter how small. I truly believe this with my whole self. Losing isn’t weakness. Losing isn’t compromising excellence. Losing isn’t settling for excuses. Losing isn’t blame and shame. And when one can mine for the win in a loss (and I’m not talking the cheesy ‘glass half full’ kind of rationalizing), there is a depth there that truly reflects distinct brilliance. A brilliance that I might even say is brighter than that which comes with the win. May I STRIVE to be like this even when the loss is beyond comprehension…like cancer.
*Post 1051
Gratitude :: 2/15/18 :: Post 166
Tonight my heart is grateful.
I am grateful for the community around us. For everyone who has and continues to love us, pray for us, walk with us.
For teachers that have kept an eye on our girls and given them grace. Who have talked with them and prayed with them through this. Who have been a safe space for our girls to live with a mom with cancer. So grateful. And I know they have been a huge part of why our girls are doing so remarkably well.
For friends and family that have sent us care packages, that have taken time out of their busy lives to make meals, that have offered to go out of their way to make things easier. For fasting and praying on our behalf. For sending texts and cards and emails to offer encouragement.
For people I don’t know personally that have thought of us, have prayed for us, have sent me things that they, themselves found helpful in their own journeys, and that have mailed me encouraging verses every week from the very beginning.
For medical professionals that not only have expertise but have such a beautiful human side to them….empathetic and relational. Who take such good care of me. Who invest in my well-being. Who want to see me healthy and strive to make me so.
For jobs that work with both Chris and myself so that we can keep our income steady while fighting this battle. For supervisors and leadership that support and encourage us, that provide needed flexibility to both battle and work, that want to see us get through this with minimal stress. For colleagues that care deeply.
For my mom. Words really cannot come close to being adequate enough. Her selflessness with her own time and energy. Her willingness to be a stable and constant presence for our girls…and the grace she gives them when they don’t always appreciate it because they can’t see the big picture yet. Her generosity. Her picking them up and dropping them off and driving everywhere for us. Her checking in with me throughout the day. Her foot rubs and long conversations. Her cleaning our house. Every.Day. Literally. Her research and resourcefulness on my behalf. Her hopefulness and encouragement to not give up. She is, without a doubt, the strongest and most resilient person I know.
For my dad who supports my mom to do all of those things for us. That is a sacrifice he lovingly and selflessly makes every day. Willingly. And I think my dad may, in fact, be my biggest prayer warrior.
And for Chris. His patience with me and my emotional ups and downs. His commitment to me and his girls. Not every spouse sticks around for this…. because it’s hard as hell. He wakes up every day choosing to be in this, in the thick of it, in the ugly of it, in the uncertainty of it, in the despair of it, in the rawness of it. He continues to love me and encourage me. He drives all over the city getting me and the girls everywhere. He has been by my side at 99% of my appointments. He has seen me at my lowest and my most vulnerable. He has remained himself through this which has been so good for the girls (and me) and is also incredibly hard to do. He has been so selfless and makes sure his girls, all of us, see and know that we are his number one priority. And he has made us laugh. A lot.
Today was another difficult and heavy day. But tonight what rings so loudly is immense gratitude. Thank you, Lord for each one. Each one of the hundreds…known and unknown.
Say What? :: 2/15/19 :: Post 521
Breast cancer.
Some have told me, “at least you have an easy cancer”……
I’m sorry. What? Say that again?
Breast cancer, while certainly treatable in many cases, is brutal. Not only is it CANCER, but for me, this cancer has come with the devastation of chemo and radiation. That, in and of itself, is far from easy. And this CANCER, for me, has come with survivorship because surviving cancer is a whole new level of hard…quite the opposite of easy. And this CANCER, for me, has literally YES, LITERALLY, taken everything that physically makes me look and feel like a woman – my hair, eyebrows, eyelashes, nails, breasts, uterus, fallopian tubes, ovaries, cervix, hormones – some will come back, some are gone forever, but……..
THAT is not easy.
The identity mess. The body image mess. The hormonal mess. The relational mess…
Tell me again that, “at least it’s not a worse cancer…”
(No post for 2/15/20)