I’ve written about this before but I’m revisiting it today because it’s bouncing around in my head so much.
“Show up.”
I feel antsy. I want to write a different story. I want to have the capacity I once did. I want to go back.
I feel neutral. My story is just as it should be. My limited capacity is purposeful. I want it all to mean something.
I feel complacent. Why am I here? I barely have enough capacity to put feet on the floor. I want heaven.
I feel peace. My story matters for eternal reasons. My capacity is exactly what I need for this moment. I want to be fully here now.
And everything in between.
As I bounce from opposite to opposite, I realize that simply ‘showing up’ for that moment allows me to experience it for what it is knowing that whatever the moment is, it will be fleeting just as the opposite one was a moment earlier. (Yeah, I had to reread that a few times, too). But really. I think I sometimes get concerned that I am not “doing life right” because I struggle with antsy-ness. Or when I struggle with peace. Or when I wish my story was different. Or when I irrationally love my really hard story. (You see where this is going…) I have to remind myself that each moment is a transient one and how wasteful it is to be concerning myself with the way I handled the last moment or what 200 moments from now will look like.
Show up. And do now.
Today, I’m learning how tough it is to live like this when the world around me wants to live in the ‘if this than that’ place. Yes, cause and effect is a thing and all decisions have consequences, but I think sometimes we get too hung up in the IF <——> THAT place of living that we miss out on the space in between….
Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to
Friday: Am grateful for
Saturday: Saw grace in
*Post 1036
Just When I Thought :: 1/31/18 :: Post 153
Just when I thought I’d turned the corner….
I had a rough start to the day….then felt better…ended up having a good day at work…came home and ate and was excited that it was tasting pretty good…now super nauseous and sick…
Dumb.
Broken Record :: 1/31/19 :: Post 506
I am sounding like a broken record.
I could copy and paste yesterday’s post. And the day’s before that. And the day’s before that….
It’s tough not really having a grounded sense of self.
It’s hard when I’m questioning myself because I am not sure if I can trust myself since who I think I am is uncertain.
It’s hard to know what is the meds and what is pure exhaustion and what is new normal and what is concerning and what is compromised and what is steady.
I’ll try again tomorrow. I will show up for what God has for me.
(No Post for 1/31/20)