I am in extreme pain. And I want to scream and rip off this body. And I’m so exhausted.
I could have written a couple of hours ago, posted and gone to bed…but, I had a chance to sit with my 12- (going on 30-) year old and talk. For real, the tired me wanted to “save that time for another day, she’d understand, I know…” but I’m grateful I made a different decision tonight. She would have understood, yes, and there are times where it’s absolutely okay to ask for the grace of ‘another time’ but tonight my gut told me otherwise. And I continue to be astounded and impressed by my opinionated, strong-willed, sassy, bold kid. It’s tough being counter-cultural. I know because I am, too. It’s tough when the natural tendency is to question ‘why’…not because I (or we) like to be contentious, but because we are not willing to settle for ‘that’s just how it is.’
My kid said some amazing little nuggets of truth-gold. Nuggets I’m grateful she shared because 1. They allowed me insight into how her brain and heart work and 2. They allowed me opportunity to grow my own perspective. Like:
“I’m opinionated but sometimes I keep my mouth shut.”
“It’s not okay to compare certain things…especially when the context isn’t comparable. People need to stop using comparison for manipulation.”
“When is a thing just a thing? Because I believe most everything has a *person* behind it. Why don’t we think about that before we open our mouths?”
“How quickly some people change their behavior towards another (and not in a good way) once they find out that person doesn’t align with their beliefs or opinions. That’s sad.”
Today I’m grateful that I didn’t say, “Let’s talk tomorrow” because cancer has ravaged my body and I’m barely keeping it together.
Today I’m grateful that my kid shared her heart with me and that cancer didn’t create a rift unrepairable as I know that’s happened to many in our shoes.
Today I’m grateful that I didn’t assume I’d have tomorrow to hear it because cancer has taught me that that is a pretty big assumption.
Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to
Friday: Am grateful for
Saturday: Saw grace in
*Post 1013
January 8 of 2018 was a bad chemo day. I didn’t have even the energy to write. . .
Volleyball :: 1/8/19 :: Post 483
I got to run Cate’s volleyball practice tonight. And it was so fun. And it was so good for my soul.
I pray someday I’m able to play again.
Clarity :: 1/8/20 :: Post 842
Zomeda has sucked this time. I’ve felt awful. But emotionally, I have gotten some new clarity over the past few days and that feels really good. I’m really being challenged to live out what cancer is teaching me…saying yes to certain things and no to others…
Yes to my kids.
Yes to my husband.
Yes to investing my precious time in my relationships.
Yes to living presently and accepting the loyalty of the unknown.
No to filling every ‘free’ moment with something to do.
No to being too focused on the 5-year plan.
No to trying to predict what is coming which distracts from what is in the now.
No to forcing something when my intuition is saying let it go.
Sadly, before cancer, all of those ‘yeses’ were ‘noes’ and all of those ‘noes’ were ‘yeses.’ But in order for me to make those vital switches, I am having to say ‘no’ to something big. Something has to give and my kids, husband, relationships and living richly in the present are not up for sacrifice any longer.
I’m having to take a leap of faith and choose the present over the future, the now over the what’s to come, and I tell ya, old habits die hard… I’m taking a step back from counseling. Not from going to see a counselor but from pursuing my counseling license. I’ve done SO much to get here but it has always come with stress and overexertion and overcommitment and misplaced priorities. Now it is time to see what the Lord does in my life without the “LPC” behind my name as an overwhelming controller of my direction.
Of course, this isn’t to say that any of the effort put forth toward this goal has been for nothing. Oh the invaluable things I have learned, the tools that I have, the expertise I have honed, the love for people and their stories that has deepened, the communication and listening skills that I have sharpened – all forever tools that I will use no matter where God takes me. But…all of those things can be used as I invest in my kids, my husband, my family, my friends, my now…
It’s an interesting thing to prioritize faith of the unknown over the mistaken predictability of the future. It’s interesting to let go and free fall, not knowing literally anything about the landing…and maybe there isn’t even a landing at all. It’s interesting to take a sudden out-of-nowhere left turn without any idea the destination…but what’s there to lose? I stand in the middle of the desert of survivorship not knowing which way is west or east or north or south or upside down or right-side up or inside out. So, left turn it is. Here we go, God. Counseling is no longer my bargaining chip, no longer the justification for all of the bad that has happened to me, no longer the answer to the why. Now I get to just live and see what happens. No doors are closed, just a hundred more opened up because I’m not solely focused on one.
And I’ll forever be grateful for my story…all that is in it…and all that it will be.