I’m gonna continue my word-nerd kick and talk about the word that hit me as I was getting ready this morning: ‘marvel.’ Don’t confuse that with superheroes, but rather think about how it is to marvel at something.
I struggle big time with my body and how cancer has made a mess of it…most days (and I’ve written plenty about it) I want to take off my body like I take off an uncomfortable pair of jeans…peeling them off, not fast enough of course, and then emphatically throwing them down on the ground as if they have earned only the floor, not even a hanger. Can you relate?!
But this morning, as I was getting myself put together for a day in the office (hence the jeans reference), ‘marvel’ hit me. Marvel at the resilience. Marvel at the survival. Marvel at the grit. Marvel at the beauty in scars. Guys, my plastic surgeon literally rearranged my body so that from the outside, you’d never know I had parts amputated. *Amputated*!!! He took fat and tissue and arteries from one location and put them in another. And while there is SO much about that whole statement that is bonkers-hard, it is also bonkers-brilliant.
(If you want to know more, google “The DIEP.” Of course, fair warning, you’ll find information on a pretty invasive surgery).
Having a rearranged body comes with it’s struggles, and even as I sit here tonight 11 hours later, I am back to wanting to peel it off and climb out of my own skin because everything feels awful, but today, I did spend some time marveling at the wonders of its toughness. And with marvel came a glimpse of self-love that I haven’t touched in years. Today I loved myself in a new small way for a short small time since cancer hit…and that feels hopeful.
Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to
Friday: Am grateful for
Saturday: Saw grace in
*Post 1017
Tired Thoughts :: 1/12/18 :: Post 134
It’s Friday. I’m exhausted. The idea of sleeping in and having nothing tomorrow feels amazing. My right eyebrow is definitely thinning. Cancer is evil. This is a road walked by so many…..yet it is so uniquely experienced. That’s all I have energy for.
Good :: 1/12/19 :: Post 487
In the midst of the hell of cancer, some days are just good. Slept in. Spent time with the husband. Good coffee. Relaxed. Painted my nails (even though they are super short). Played games with the girls. Finished a puzzle. Laughed. Until we cried. Put mascara on barely-long-enough-eyelashes for first time since losing them a year ago. Looking forward to a lunch date with my momma tomorrow. Holding tightly to the good.
(No post for 1/12/20)