Learning how to loosen my grip is a daily thing. The grip on what I think will be. The grip on how I think I can impact others. The grip on where the next step will take me. The grip on who cares about what I have to say or think. The grip on the free will of my young adult children. In many ways, I’ve come a long way with what I think I can control and what I actually have control over. Oh what I have learned these past few years about the energy it takes to have a tight hold…and how often misdirected my holding-tight-energy was. And oh how grateful I am that I have learned (and now can intentionally practice) such discernment.
Of course, there are many times I still find myself misdirected and having to take a deep breath and loosen the grip. . .
Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to
Friday: Am grateful for
Saturday: Saw grace in
*Post 1022
Real :: 1/17/18 :: Post 139
I’m sitting here wanting the Lord to give me something profound. Something I can learn and pass on to others. And that is just not happening. What is coming to me, instead, is “be real…let it be what it is instead of forcing something that isn’t there.”
So… The real…
I’m tired. Like beyond tired. I’m tired of being tired.
I hurt. My chest muscles ache. All of the time.
I’m so done with my body not being able to regulate its own temperature. Hot…cold…hot…cold…….every.five.minutes.
Facilitating an environment where my kids can learn character…where my kids do heart-work……..so challenging and complicated. And exhausting.
I wore my brown wig today and got a compliment that will make it significantly easier to wear it again. And thankful for that sweet moment.
Sleep has not come easy for months. I toss and turn every hour. Comfort has been totally redefined. Curling up under the covers is a thing of the past. Now I must sleep just enough on my sides to give my back a break and just upright enough where I won’t make heartburn worse. I have to make the covers “just so” so that I can whip them off in a second when I get a hot flash but then make it so I can just as easily get back under them because I’m freezing. In the quiet of the night, I can feel my toenails (chemo affects the nail beds on fingers and toes and my toes hurt. Badly. And sometimes it keeps me up.) I have to be overly hydrated during chemo which makes me have to pee all.of.the.time. Sleep is fitful at best and comfort is brief and momentary.
Thinking beyond myself is hard. I try to but sometimes it’s just too hard. I don’t mean to be selfish.
Washing my face is an interesting experience. Before…..I thought nothing of it. Now, I am so gentle around my eyebrows and eyelashes. And when I dry my face, I so carefully pat dry those same areas. And each time, I look back in the mirror to see if this time is the time that they will just be gone.
Being tired but unable to sleep is maddening.
Falling into old habits is really easy. Working on making new habits is really hard.
Every little feeling my body has sends me into a “should I call my doctor because this is serious or nothing is wrong, you’re fine” place. And sometimes the “is this hospital worthy?? What if I don’t go? What if it’s unnecessary?
Having a compromised immune system is stressful. Do I kiss my husband? Can I hug my kids? Should I go to Caty’s basketball game? What have I been exposed to? Will I come down with something that will delay the next step in this journey?
Today was hard. Everyday is hard. Everything is hard. But I’m not isolated in the difficulty…everyone has their stuff.
Ugh. I’m soooo hot. Again. I was shivering 30 seconds ago….now I can’t get the covers and hoodie off of me fast enough.
The stakes feel higher. In everything.
Bedtime.
Grace in not having any delays…now I find I am anxious over getting to round 6. No delays! Just like the week of surgery…no delays! And funny enough…..2 of my family members have strep. Just like the week of surgery.
Can I Keep This Up? :: 1/17/19 :: Post 492
The hard is relentless.
Relentless.
(No post for 1/17/20)