We’re approaching March…but how many of us haven’t yet reconciled last March and everything that has happened in between? And now feeling the weird, unspoken pressure that comes with ticking time. Over the past year we’ve subconsciously been trained to only invest a percentage into whatever we’re doing because around every corner, there is a chance it’ll be taken away or “pivoted” into a whole new mess of the next “new normal.” We stabilize. We get rocked. We stabilize again… conditioned with stability being instability. We tire of hearing, “it’s covid” and pass our judgements on those who say that and yet quietly have to admit…it’s covid. Our capacity for social interactions wanes because you say one thing and all of a sudden you’re free-falling into this upside down, inside out, polarized twilight zone, completely stunned by the sheer speed at which you’re falling. And add to that the confusion you now feel about how you feel about whomever you unintentionally offended. And the eggshells that have always come with life are now land mines. Where do we step next?

This perpetual state of unease takes its toll and I can see it everywhere I go and in every interaction I have. Much of it even feels a lot like my cancer experience these past 3 years. And while I may have some interesting perspective and practice because of said similarities, I still absolutely struggle. Today….it was a struggle. And it was only because I knew my writing prompt for Wednesday is, “Today I prayed…” that I got through it. Parts of it were uber annoying where I wanted to knee-jerk and defend. But instead, I prayed for the pause. There were moments where I wanted to run my mouth and fill the space with my opinions. But instead, I prayed for silence. There were frustrations where I felt tempted to clear my name and state my case. But instead, I prayed for peace and humility. There were times where my mind was running fast and reactive. But instead, I prayed for the slow and deliberate response. I didn’t always quite get it right, but by grace, I sure tried.

Today I…
Sunday: Learned
Monday: Chose; said yes/no to
Tuesday: Loved
Wednesday: Prayed
Thursday: Was challenged by/to 
Friday: Am grateful for 
Saturday: Saw grace in

*Post 1025

The Toll :: 1/20/18 :: Post 142

Chemo sucks. 

My body is exhausted. I ache all over and can feel the toll it’s taking. 

My resolve is barely hanging on. I have cried a lot today thinking of what has been and what lies ahead. 

It’s hard to describe how I feel…..

I’m at my wits end….the weight of this is crushing….the sadness I feel is seeping deeper and deeper…. 

My body moves slow….my eyes feel heavy….my stomach is always unsettled….

I don’t know that I’ve actually experienced rest in months. I can’t remember the last time that I actually slept well. If it’s not my body keeping me up, it’s my mind….or it’s me rolling over and realizing that the way I was sleeping was causing friction on my eyebrows and I may not have them anymore when I wake up. (Yes….that is *actually* a thought I’ve had more than once in the middle of the night…) 

I won’t give up but I’m so tired. 

Off :: 1/20/19 :: Post 495

Trying to settle into a new normal. Trying to figure out how I feel on these new meds. 

What I do know…I’m definitely “off.”

(No post for 1/20/20)