This quote by Brene Brown struck me today. How true it is that the small moments matter. The 5 minutes of now. The space between the memories and the what-ifs. The seconds. The seemingly insignificant. The un-obvious. The quiet consistence. The intentional.
*Post 986
So Much :: 12/12/17 :: Post 106
The fatigue is so strong already. I’m so tired.
I’ve had awful heartburn but minimal nausea. Extreme fatigue and a bad headache. An incredibly relaxing acupuncture appointment followed by a very painful physical therapy appointment. (Those should have been flip-flopped….one is way better after the other).
I’m anxious about the days ahead. The unknown. Yet known enough to dread. A friend and I were texting tonight and he said “so much can a day hold…” Yup. So much a day can hold.
Vulnerabilities :: 12/12/18 :: Post 456
To describe some of what I feel ….. To help others empathize with this journey ….. To communicate commonalities in experiences so as to create connection …..
The vulnerabilities in this journey are deep. They are intense.
It’s your most embarrassing moment…
It’s your lowest self-esteem….
It’s when you feel the most scared…
When you walk down the street and you’re uncertain if you can defend yourself…
When you peel back every protection and find yourself exposed – literal and figurative….
When your most hidden parts are unhidden – literal and figurative…
The most uncomfortable you’ve ever felt…
The most hopeless…
The weakest…
It’s all of these things amplified beyond what seems possible to endure.
Living Changed Head to Toe Day 12 :: 12/12/19 :: Post 820
I’m just too tired to write much tonight. And emotionally, I’m exceedingly edgy. I did quite a bit more today than I have over the past week of recovering and man, am I feeling it. Admittedly, it felt good to push into the ‘little bit more’ and it was good for me to see what I am capable of (despite being tired) but I am ready for the day to be done. I have a big weekend ahead, one full of fun Christmastime traditions and memory-making, so I’m gonna keep it simple tonight. Not to mention I have a shower ahead of me and in my current state, that’s about as much as I can handle – getting in and out of this bodysuit is exhausting.
In keeping with my theme of living changed, head to toe, today it’s just going to be a non-body part and I’ll just say that cancer has forced me to live changed whether I’ve liked it or not. I can’t do many things the same way that I did before cancer. There are days I hate that and there are days I am grateful for it. Today, I’m going to live changed by listening to my body’s need for rest and give it what it needs.
Every day after reading and rereading your blog over the past 3 years, there is a recurrent thread in your blogs that always pops up…..you are in constant pain and beyond exhausted….you have done a lot of painful, hard living 5 minutes at a time, that turn into 5 more minutes, and 5 more, and 5 more….until your body is saying ENOUGH. You give 110% plus in each of those 5 plus minutes of living. You give more of yourself to others than anyone I know, even when you are beyond exhausted. Thank you for giving me gifts of time, thank you even when you are beyond tired. Even when you smile and say “okay” to whatever I ask. I confess, sometimes I give you projects hoping it will distract you (in a positive way) to not have to feel your exhausted, hurting, painful 5 minutes at a time….living. Silly me, thinking that another project will make the exhaustion and pain disappear. I doesn’t, it just adds more to your already full 5 minutes at a time…plus 5 more minutes….and 5 more….. I LOVE YOU!
I love you Momma. So much. And I’m grateful you ask me. I’d be hurting either way so I’m glad to have purpose in the hurting. And you know, the apple doesn’t fall far dear Mother… ♥️♥️♥️
I came across this devotion and immediately thought of you. I am sure you will understand why from our many past conversations. I hope it is encouraging to you. It helped me reframe a few things for me personally. Love, LPS
Radical Waiting by Henri Nouwen
I have found it very important in my own life to try to let go of my wishes and instead to live in hope. I am finding that when I choose to let go of my sometimes petty and superficial wishes and trust that my life is precious and meaningful in the eyes of God, something really new, something beyond my own expectations begins to happen in me.
To wait with openness and trust is an enormously radical attitude toward life. It is choosing to hope that something is happening for us that is far beyond our own imaginings. It is giving up control over our future and letting God define our life. It is living with the conviction that God molds us in love, holds us in tenderness, and moves us away from the sources of our fear.
Our spiritual life is a life in which we wait, actively present to the moment, expecting that new things will happen to us, new things that are far beyond our own imagination or prediction. This, indeed, is a very radical stance toward life in a world preoccupied with control.
I love this so much. It is the best of my heart. Thank you for sending it to me. And I love YOU.