I got to spend some time with my friend today. I drove her to her radiation appointment and while she didn’t necessarily need a driver in the literal sense, it was an amazing reason to get to spend time with her…and that part was needed. And we have the same RAD people. Oh how they took such amazing care of me, I was doing a hard thing…and they were, too. I’ve had a few follow ups between then and now where I get to pop in and see them from time to time (I was just there a few weeks ago, even…and I wrote about it: BothAnd1125), but today was significant for different reasons. Sitting there next to my friend, waiting in waiting rooms while she was called back, seeing the experience through different eyes, grateful she chose my RAD people because they are the best and I know they are taking exceptional care of her, getting a minimal sense of what it’s like for The Caregiver, noticing the other patients, seeing them bald and shuffling along with their person next to them, or alone, wondering what their stories are… all while holding my own…

I got to talk with the RADS while my friend was getting her treatment. We talked and updated each other, laughed and got teary-eyed. Talked treatment. Talked survivorship. Connected.

This morning, I was in tears. So frustrated with my cancer-broken, unrelenting body. (Some days the emotions just hit like a truck and happen on a hair trigger.) And I wasn’t sure how I was going to get through it. The exhaustion. The driving. The waiting rooms. The SAME waiting rooms. The emotional trauma triggers. I was already a mess. But, it wasn’t for me today. It was for her. And so I showed up and did the best I could. 

And this evening, as I sit here fighting off sleep (at 5:30pm), my heart is soaring. I still hurt physically and I still want to rip out of my own skin and throw it away, but my heart is full. My day with my friend. My moments with my RADS. Ruined, yes. Redeemed, yes. More on that tomorrow.

*Post 991

On One Hand :: 12/17/17 :: Post 110

I haven’t felt well most of the day…. And today was really emotional… I found myself spending a lot of my quiet time today looking back on all that this storm has been. 

On one hand, I’m amazed – I’ve survived a lot. I’ve endured much. God has been present. Grace has been given. 

On the other, I’m devastated. 

I’m not without positivity or hope. But this is a devastating chapter of my story. It’s not without purpose or growth. But I would have asked for a different chapter. The things I’m learning have come at a high price. And today, I’m feeling the losses. Deeply. 

Talk :: 12/17/18 :: Post 461

I found that I got really annoyed with myself this evening…. I was tired of having trouble finding words. I was tired of trying to communicate. I was tired of feeling stupid.

After a long day of having to talk, I just didn’t want to anymore. 

Living Changed Head to Toe Day 17 :: 12/17/19 :: Post 825

Interesting that my heart is heavy tonight and that is the ‘head to toe’ part for today. Oh what my heart has endured. 

Emotionally, not too many words need to be used… Cancer is hard. Really hard. My heart has been through the wringer, it’s been asked to survive difficult emotional traumas, it has been tasked with holding tensions that, in general, just don’t make any sense, it’s been at its lowest and darkest and it’s held the brightness of the light of immense joy. 

Physically, it has had to survive surgeries and the poison of chemo coursing through it. During radiation, I had to breathe a specific way and hold my breath precisely perfect so that my heart wasn’t damaged from the intensity that comes with radiation. I had to have echocardiograms every three months to make sure my heart muscle wasn’t weakened by the very drugs and treatment intended to keep me alive. 

Spiritually, my heart has been tried and tested with what it can withstand, its faith sometimes wavering under the pressure. 

But it is not broken. It is not weak. It is not silent. 

Living changed head to toe, day 17 – I will allow it to feel. Deeply. I will give room for the pain and anguish and sadness and frustration and confusion and fear and anger. I will also give room for the joy and delight and love and warmth and gratitude and goodness. The more open I leave my heart for what comes with the pain, the more I get to have the transformation of the light…