The night before an onco follow up always feels interesting. I can tell I’m a little off…not overly preoccupied yet by the feelings that will hit hard tomorrow…but certainly preoccupied by the feelings that come with ‘the night before.’ My stomach is upset and I can feel my heart beating a little harder, I notice my breathing is shallower and my muscles are tense. My shoulders are in my ears, my neck is sore and the back of my eyes throb with pressure.

Trauma is absolutely somatic and if I ever had any doubt, I do not anymore because of these past 3 years. 

Me, my Cancer Companion and my Cancer Monster will walk through those doors tomorrow, together, to see my Oncologist….even now it sometimes hits me I can’t believe I have an oncologist. And not just 1, but 3. I never thought . . . I never expected . . . I never imagined. 

As common as cancer is, the words still stab, the knife tearing through wounds perpetually fresh because I will never not be without my companion and my monster. 

*Post 994

Routine :: 12/20/17 :: Post 113

I don’t have much to write again tonight….being in the “dog days” of this season makes for a routine that I wish didn’t exist.

Day 10 of round 4. I felt about 70% today. Had a short workday and an office Christmas party. Home with happy kids. Food “game.” Resting in bed early. Upset stomach from the food I ate. Cataloging my day. Hoping for a good night’s sleep. Back at life again tomorrow. Unsure of what the next moment holds. Uncertain of the next day. Hopeful. Sleep.

Awful :: 12/20/18 :: Post 464

Tonight I feel awful. I’m tired. I’m nauseous. I’m in pain. And I have a long night ahead of me. 

Living Changed Head to Toe Day 20 :: 12/20/19 :: Post 828

Yesterday I wrote about my stomach, but more from the viewpoint of my intuition and my ‘gut’ sense and how cancer has changed my whole entire thought process and decision making and discernment. Today, I’ll take a bit of a different viewpoint and write about my stomach and GI tract. I had no reference point for what that actually was going to be like… I mean, my chemo nurse during ‘chemo class’ told me that often, chemo will mimic pregnancy symptoms so I guess I kinda knew what to expect…but I left that class feeling overwhelmed and hopeless because my pregnancies were dreadfully difficult. Throwing up at least 12 times a day for the entire 10 months…throwing up during delivery…throwing up 2 weeks after delivery…… I did NOT do great as a pregnant woman so I was really dreading chemo. And I was right to do so. It was awful in every way. 

I remember thinking, ‘okay, God, I had to manage reallllllllly hard pregnancies and I’ve thrown up more in my life than anyone should have to, I mean, seriously, do the math!!? (yeah, I was that snarky to God)  So, maybe that earned me an easier time with chemo….?’ Yeah…turns out that’s not how it works. Not because God doesn’t love me or anything like that, just because we don’t do hard things in life to get out of future hard things. Because reality – cancer may not be the hardest thing I’ll ever have to do……… Anyways, chemo was dreadful on my GI tract. Unpredictable. Food never set well, it would either upset my stomach and GI or it would sit in my gut like a 20-pound brick. I had the worst heartburn and refux. I puked way more than I was told to expect. I was dangerously dehydrated at times because even water upset my system. We tried fasting, keto, bone broth, juice, smoothies, rice, cream of wheat, oatmeal, bread….blech. I would sit at the table and cry because it was a lose-lose. I ate and it made me sick. I didn’t eat and it made me sick. And the kicker – when the GI tract is a mess, everything is a mess. Seriously everything. It affected my eating. My drinking. My routines. I’d get headaches. Heartaches. Soulaches. It made me feel ugly and unlovable. It impacted self-image. It impacted intimacy. It impacted sleep. My poor GI tract and stomach have had to endure 10 surgeries in 2 and a half years (2 of which that were 6+ hours and another 2 that were 4+ hours) that is HARD on a digestive system; 18 rounds of chemo over the course of a year, 28 radiation treatments within a 36 day period and I don’t feel like I’m anywhere near ‘normal’ even now. I don’t even know what normal is… 

So, living changed, head to toe, day 20 – learning how to live in constant discomfort (much like the joint pain) is just hard. Some days I can manage my emotions around it really well. Other days, not so much. Today…was a not-so-much kinda day.