20 years. 

Oh man, I remember the anticipation of the day. The ceremony started at 7pm so there was a lot of time between the wake up and the walk down. I remember the fitful sleep the night before, excited and jittery for the day ahead. And for the life that followed. I remember hoping all would go as planned but really not caring so much about the details anymore. 20 years ago today, I added ‘wife’ to the things that make me, me. And 20 years ago today, I gained my greatest gift.

In these many years, I think we celebrated anniversaries as anniversaries are typically celebrated. We were excited for another year together celebrating the success of adding another number, we celebrated a growing family, we celebrated companionship and shared experiences and sweet memories, surviving moves and parenting and career changes and financial strains, growing up together and finding our way through the ups and the downs, we celebrated in awe that as young as we were when we said ‘I do,’ we were holding strong to our commitment. And while all of this is still the way I feel celebrating TWENTY, in my reflection of our marriage today, there is a new nuance . . .

There is a general expectation of what marriage is. And so much of what characterizes a marriage, so much of what is used to determine a marriage’s health, so much of what is celebrated in a marriage fits into these general expectations, expectations that certainly account for both the good times and the not-so-good. But what happens when a marriage no longer fits into the general expectations, when everything changes and previously-relied-upon expectations are ‘zeroed out’ because of some catalyst, when nothing is as it was and there is no precedent to fall back on? What happens then? How do you characterize it? How do you determine its health? How do you celebrate it? In our 20 years, we’ve had our highs. We’ve also had our fair share of struggles. Both of which fit into the “general expectations” of marriage. Every marriage is supposed to have those things, to test it and to give it life but 

. . . A marriage stained by breast cancer. That doesn’t fit expectations. That doesn’t follow precedence. 

So today, I sit here celebrating something different. I celebrate a husband who keeps choosing me when I’m truly not who I was. I celebrate a husband who keeps choosing a marriage that no longer looks like a typical marriage. I celebrate a husband who chooses to blindly chart unknown waters WITH me, not giving up on what will be because what is is a mess neither of us were expecting. 

Happy Anniversary, my love. I am so grateful. 

*Post 1003

Happy 17 :: 12/29/17 :: Post 122

Happy Anniversary to us…. 17 Years.

I am so grateful for my husband and all that we’ve endured together.

2017, you’ve been dreadful. 

2018…….please be better. 

Happy 18 :: 12/29/18 :: Post 473

Happy 18th Anniversary. 

We’ve done hard things. We’ve seen the inside of some serious trauma. We’ve experienced some amazing highs and some devastating lows. 

I’m grateful that I’ve known you for 25 years of my life. I’m grateful I’ve loved you for 20. I’m grateful for the 18 of marriage. I’m grateful for the 16 of parenting with you. 

I’m grateful for the last year and a half where we’ve weathered the hell storm of cancer together. Where you’ve woken up beside me in the ugliness of mastectomies. The horror of chemo. The fire of radiation. The pain of surgery after surgery after surgery. The puking. The tears. The baldness. The scars. The redefinition of intimacy. The literal “in sickness and in health.” The “survivorship” to come.

I am so grateful. From the deepest part of my soul, I am grateful.  

Happy 19 :: 12/29/19 :: Post 837

Living Changed, Head to Toe – Day 29

Today is my 19^th wedding anniversary. Wow.  We have navigated some wild waters, my love… 

The puppy love of dating, engagement, and being newlyweds…

The petrified love of two parents learning how to keep tiny humans alive. The proud and exhausted love of a mom and dad raising children – potty training, preschool, friendships, middle school, high school, driving, their own romantic relationships, gearing up for a graduation right around the corner…

The steadfast love of a husband walking his wife through the devastation of a cancer diagnosis while also shepherding his daughters through the hardness of watching their mother battle for her life… 

I am so grateful you live this life with me. I am so grateful you hold me up when I can’t even see to the next five minutes. I am so grateful that you have chosen to stay committed to your vows when there are times it is easier to run for the hills. 

You’ve been patient through my traumas…some that even go back to years before we even knew each other. You’ve spoken greatness to my soul. You’ve been my strength when I have been weak. 

You’ve washed my hair when I couldn’t reach it because of a double mastectomy. You’ve held my bald head in your lap as I sobbed deeply into the pain of cancer. You’ve celebrated with me on my last day of chemo, you’ve shown your unwavering love through a reconstruction process no marriage should ever have to endure and you promise to remain my companion as our future is unknown and uncertain. 

You encourage me daily. You make me laugh. You show me the love of Jesus, both when it’s easy and when I am a crumpled up hot mess on the floor. 

Living changed, head to toe, day 29 – whatever life we have left to live together, I will live it fully with you. Cancer has given me the opportunity to rearrange my priorities and I’ll commit to living those out. I made a huge career change so that I could have more to give to you and the girls. The love I have for you now comes from a place that has looked death straight in the eyes. And the gratitude I have for you reaches a depth that only has come with this beautifully tragic, unbelievably complicated, uncomprehendingly rich love story. Happy Anniversary.