Today I wish to be out of my own skin. My own body. I can’t even stand to look in the mirror and I can’t even think straight because of the brain fog. I feel sluggish, slow and stupid, anxious, antsy and annoyed. As much as I love this time of year, there is A LOT that is a mess under the surface and I have a feeling much of it is due to triggers that I can’t even articulate. 

Yet. I have to work today (working for a church means working on Christmas Eve) and after work I have a sweet family that I get to spend Christmas Eve with. So with the part of me that wants to crawl in a hole and be invisible and the part that wants to be so very present in the day, I’ll show up. Bravery comes in the form of gratitude for being here for another Christmas….even if I don’t like the packaging I’m stuck in.

*Post 998

Christmas Eve Bald :: 12/24/17 :: Post 117

“It’s a good Christmas.”

“May this be your best Christmas ever.”

“Today is the best day.”

I’ve been challenged today to see it through different eyes. To see it through eyes of joy and peace and gratitude instead of sadness or bitterness or fear. To choose to make this my best Christmas ever even in the midst of fighting cancer, being bald, feeling weary, experiencing pain and sickness. To not get lost in the frustration of 2017 and all that it keeps throwing at us. 

To have peace. In ALL circumstances. 

I’ll be honest….I find this very difficult. I want to say this is the worst Christmas ever. I want to say 2017 has sucked and I can’t wait for it to be over. I want to flip off everything about it. 

But if I take a real, actual honest look at it all, I have learned things only this storm can teach me. And there is a part of me that is grateful for it. 

One thing in particular – gratitude…immense gratitude, for my people. For who God has woven into my story. 

Christmas is harder this year. Without a doubt. Cancer has made everything harder. And it has taken much. But cancer cannot take away the joy and gratitude in my heart for my people. 

Merry Christmas Eve. I have peace in my heart (even though it’s with some awful heartburn) as I close my eyes and let sleep take over. 

Christmas Eve Reflection :: 12/24/18 :: Post 468

Merry Christmas Eve. 

I have found myself very reflective today….

This time last year I was gearing up for round 5. I was bald. My skin, chemo-gray. 

We continue to walk a difficult road but there is so much to be grateful for. 

My heart is full as I close my eyes tonight. And by God’s grace, tomorrow will come. 

Christmas Eve Living Changed :: 12/24/19 :: Post 832

It’s Christmas Eve. And it was a long long day. I had to work, which made the day feel weird and I worked really hard. My body, head to toe, hurts and is exhausted. Then we went to my family’s Christmas Eve party, a party themed on A Christmas Story. We laughed, my mom came in a Leg Lamp costume, my aunt as Mrs. Sheilds; meatloaf, meatloaf double beetloaf and a delicious Chinese food spread and Christmas Jeopardy to wrap up the night… Such fun and such memories. And my girl, when we got home, shared a heavy heart with me…for which I am grateful…yet I hold her heaviness with my own tonight as cancer makes everything harder. I’m thankful that I’m here to hold it with her, though. And I’m thankful that while I had to work, I love the people I work with. And I’m thankful for my crazy fun family and the amazing memories made tonight.

Living changed, head to toe, day 24 – it’s just that – I hurt from head to toe but I’m grateful I’m here for yet another Christmas.