Survivorship is . . .

*Post 981

Treasured Time :: 12/7/17 :: Post 101

I was interviewed tonight by a researcher who I’ve known for over a year now…she’s someone I’d love to be friends with in the future. She is kind and genuine and insightful…caring and compassionate…thoughtful and authentic. It made for an extremely long day but I’m grateful I felt well enough to spend time with her. We talked about a lot. And ate pizza. (And it tasted so good….yay for tasting). 

I was asked some tough questions and it made me think deeply about life. And purpose. And presence. And choosing to be participatory in the present. We talked about story and identity and how experiences define us. I talked about the hard stuff I’ve encountered in my life…and what I’ve learned from it. And about the lessons of 2017……….how it’s been a year of redefinition…Of priorities. Of relationship. Of participation in life. Of time. Of forgiveness. Of my own personal narrative. Of femininity. Of beauty. Of gratitude. Of intimacy. Of faith. Of future. Of hope. Of acceptance. Of dark and light. We discussed authenticity and resilience. And vulnerability. And how all of those things are strength. 

She asked me how I’m taking care of myself. And I answered with “I’m learning how to do that better.” …And thatit’s not just taking a bath or taking a walk. How it is reprioritizing. How it is stress management. How it is learning limitations and margin and capacity. How it is learning to say ‘no’. 

I talked about feeling afraid of what the future holds. She asked what good might also be experienced. We talked about faith and how life can challenge what we think we believe. And also enrich it. And grow it. And deepen it. And challenge it some more. We talked about what comes next. What is exciting about the possibilities and opportunities ahead. 

I’m beyond exhausted. But grateful. Grateful for the people God weaves into my story. 

(I didn’t write on December 7 of 2018.)

Living Changed Head to Toe Day 7 :: 12/7/19 :: Post 815

“Chemo will make your mouth taste bad, just so you’re aware,” said my chemo nurse. “Your particular regimen of chemotherapy has platinum in it so it will be a metallic taste… And also, you may get mouth sores due to the cell destruction that comes with chemo. And one other thing – you cannot have your teeth cleaned or taken care of while you’re going through treatment as it can introduce infection that could cause serious complications….light brushing only.” 

“Uh, okay…” I muttered back. Bewildered about the complexity of chemo and being surprised that even my mouth was going to experience the impact of cancer. And the wildest of it all – chemo killed my taste buds and every round, my tongue would get smooth like a baby’s butt for 18-19 days of the 21 day cycle. Bizarre. It also sucked. My poor husband – we’d play the what-do-you-want-to-eat game and I’d end up in tears almost every time…I had no appetite, nothing tasted good and it was all I could do to force myself to eat. For months. 

I also get a very similar awful taste in my mouth after surgeries, it’s from the anesthesia, intubation and the scopolamine patch they give me for nausea…so yesterday, tears fell down my cheeks as I struggled with wanting to eat despite being super hungry while also managing difficult memories from the throes of chemo.  

It’s amazing what is impacted by cancer… things that I had no idea about. 

But Living Changed, Head to Toe, Day 7 – when I’m not recovering from surgery, I ENJOY food and the tastes I get to experience. It’s amazing what we take for granted… taste is something I will not take for granted. And those closest to me know that I eat my food strategically around the best bite so that it is my last.