20 years ago, on our honeymoon, I went ice fishing with my new husband. Today, 20 years later, I went ice fishing for the second time. We got up early, drove 3 hours, set up a little shelter, fished for 6 hours and then drove 3 hours home. At 9000+ feet in elevation, it was windy as heck and FREEZING and we had a bit of a trek from the car to the shelter so my body feels like it has been beaten up but we caught fish, I saw my fisherman smile and we had the best quality time together. 

I love that cancer has taught me to say ‘yes’ to things that the BC Amber may not have.

Now, bed. My everything h u r t s. 

*Post 1004

Grace Is :: 12/30/17 :: Post 123

I’ve been forced to look at life differently. Forced by the circumstances of cancer….

Grace is one of those things that looks different to me now than it did before. I understand it in a new way. 

Grace is not necessarily God rescuing me from the storm. It’s not necessarily God making me feel better when I cry out to Him because I’m tired of feeling sick. Grace is in the timing of surgery. Grace is in the intuition of my body telling me something is wrong. And that has happened more than once through this journey. Grace is having amazing doctors “fall into my lap” when my world was spinning so fast I didn’t know which end was up. Grace is having resilient daughters. And having each of them respond uniquely beautiful to a hard part in their story.Grace is being married to a man that truly embodies unconditional love, patience, understanding, generosity, selflessness, integrity and joy. And having these qualities shine brighter rather than become dulled in the midst of crisis. Grace is a purple wig that is fun to wear and gives me confidence. Grace is having a mom (the strongest woman I know) that goes above and beyond for me and my family. Every. Day. And a dad that encourages her and supports her to do so even in the midst of his own difficult health circumstances. Grace is having a job. And having bosses and colleagues that support me and encourage me in this battle. Grace is having Chris’ boss be incredibly supportive of his taking care of me and the girls through this. Grace is having family that will do anything for us. Grace is having friends that spend time together. That share life together. That cry and laugh together. Grace is sleeping soundly through the night even if it’s far a few between. Grace is a resilient body. Grace is having sweet nurses who take care of me. Grace is being able to taste food. Grace is sitting with my husband and daughters and laughing. A lot. Grace is getting to keep my eyebrows and eyelashes for a large part of this chemo journey. Grace is having the option to fight. Grace is the little gifts here and there that make this journey just a little easier. Grace is being given a new day. And being one day further along in this chapter. Grace is being challenged and changed…for the better…even in the pain. Grace is heaven now and grace is heaven waiting.

Astounding Beauty :: 12/30/18 :: Post 474

Sitting here listening to my girls and husband laugh. And it’s so good for my heart. 

I’m not sure I can say thank you for cancer or to cancer, but the transformation of my family’s relationships is something incredible that has come out of this hell. 

Thank you, Lord, that you are all about creating astounding beauty from the dust of ashes. 

Living Changed Head to Toe Day 30 :: 12/30/19 :: Post 838

Living Changed, Head to Toe – Day 30

Ugh. I am in a total funk. I’m edgy. I’m impatient. I’m unmotivated. I’m anxious. I’m preoccupied. I can hardly put words together. I’m annoyed by all noise. The brain fog is extra thick. I’m alone in my bed, too emotional to socialize with my family. My heart is heavy for a friend who, instead of ringing in the New Year cancer-free, is now battling stage 4 as her cancer has come back and metastasized. My body aches from head to toe. My stomach hurts and I have awful heartburn. And I don’t even have the energy to take a short shower. 

The cancer monster looms extra dark tonight, I can’t seem to shake it off. 

Living changed, head to toe, day 30…some days are just gonna suck.