Life brings invitations. 
Some are easy to accept…because they’re good. Others are easy to decline…because they’re bad. This is wisdom. 
Some are tough to accept…because they’re hard. Others are tough to decline…because they’re easy. This is fear.

Cancer offers me an invitation. And what I am learning here is brutally beautiful:

Go into the hard.

Look for the both+ands. 

There you will find transformative purpose.

*Post 971

A Long Day :: 11/30/17 :: Post 94 

I just got home an hour ago from working all day… after a difficult and emotional day at the office, we had an event tonight that made for the late arrival home. 

While I was exhausted and probably should have sat this event out this year, it was so good being there. Seeing so many people that mean so much to me…hearing amazing music…being there with Chris and Annie… it did my soul good. 

That said, I’m thankful Chris knows that I get tired and hit a wall…and that sometimes I don’t see the wall coming…and that sometimes I have a complete emotional melt-down because I’ve hit the wall that I didn’t see coming. I’m thankful he took me home when he did….because the wall was definitely coming. 

As I lay here in the quiet, writing to end my day, feeling weary, reflecting on today’s moments… I feel a quiet in my soul. A peace that I haven’t tasted yet. 

And I’m grateful for the people God has woven into my story.

Sweet Dreams :: 11/30/18 :: Post 443

It’s official. We have crossed the finish line. The desire to move, to downsize, to simplify, to minimize, to declutter, to focus on what matters most, has come to fruition. 

As hard as it could have been was as hard as it could have been. Around every corner was more drama and crazy-making-not-the-norm circumstances. Our realtor earned every bit of her commission…she had to work extra extra hard for this one. And had to keep me from going beyond bonkers (because I was already bonkers). 

As we go to sleep tonight in our new home, fit perfect for our transformed lives, I reflect on ALL that this means. 

The list is long but I am far too weary and exhausted to write anymore. Happy December to us. 

Gratitude Month Day 30 :: 11/30/19 :: Post 806

At the beginning of the month, when I had the idea of going back over the last two years and read what I wrote so that I could purposefully capture all that I am grateful for, I had NO idea how it would affect me. I was not expecting the heaviness that my heart has held as I have practiced such purposeful reflection over the past 30 days. 

When I started writing, 820 days ago, I wasn’t sure what and how I would use it…Would I want to go back and reread anything? Or no? Would I share it? Or not? Interestingly enough, this November was the first time I’d gone back to read what I had written … 

And I’m grateful I did. 

November 30, two years ago, even after a long and difficult day, I went to sleep feeling a peace I hadn’t yet felt since diagnosis. November 30 of last year was our first official night in our new home, having finally crossed that beast of a finish line. And tonight, on this last day of November, 2019, while exhausted, in pain and heavy-hearted, I am beyond grateful for so much. I’m grateful that I am allowing cancer to change and transform me. I’m grateful that I am choosing to live changed. And I’m grateful that I know, beyond any doubt, that I can do hard things.  

As I write my last post of Gratitude Month, I decided to search all 820 entries of my daily writing for any mention of gratitude because I believe the most impactful thing that cancer has taught me is that I can authentically experience the hell that it is while at the same time, acknowledge what I am grateful for…in it, despite it, because of it. 776. Seven hundred and seventy-six. Turns out, I was right – I don’t have to choose one or the other…I get to hold both. And there is such richness there.