It’s funny to me how I can feel both discontent and content at the same time.

I have this desire for change threaded throughout my identity and find that I thrive in it. I like new views. I like new experiences. I like learning new perspectives. I also feel content in routine. I’m comfortable in the known and in the predictable. I like that I don’t have to think too hard when there isn’t new input vying for attention. And to this, I like it when certain things change…but not other certain things. I want to be selective with change, I want to have control over it, I want to be able to predict it. And there are some things in life that I get to do that with…where I get to meet my own needs for change, helping my discontent become content.

But there is a lot about change that doesn’t fit into this nice little prescribed box. First – I don’t always get to say, “I want change,” and have change follow because there are ripple effects to change and I can’t just have it my way. Second – sometimes the change that I want is not a good change, even if I think it is, and it’s a benefit to me when it doesn’t work out (all feedback is relevant, right?!). Third – some change comes totally from left field, unprepared for, undesired and unwanted. Thus, things that are content are made discontent.

Interesting that as long as I hold a both+and attitude, I will maintain a space for both chosen change and forced change, for the times where I feel content OR discontent and for the times that I feel content AND discontent.

I’m antsy for change…I want a new horizon. I want a new view. This desert of survivorship needs something new. And, simultaneously, I’m grateful for the comfort of the predictability of the desert. The things in my life that are simplified now because of cancer. And living fully in the value I now hold of the present.

*Post 944

Nuthin’ Left :: 11/3/17 :: Post 67

I’ve got very little left after this day….Today brought awful constant nausea, I’ve thrown up, I’ve been terribly dizzy and the trend continues that round 2 is nothing like round 1.

My heart feels such despair. I wish I could be like the others when they say, “it was super manageable” or “it was no big thing”….. but no. I don’t get that.

I get unpredictability. I get all the side effects. I get all the ick. Now I get puking on top of it all.

My heart aches for the day when this is all over. And I know it’s foolish to look that far down the road, but it’s impossible to not when I’m desperate to be done.

Be still my soul. This too shall pass. *eye roll

Construction, Shuttles and NYC :: 11/3/18 :: Post 417

Well…. NYC, what a welcome.

Uneventful flight…baggage claim was a breeze, and then the airport closes traffic into the terminal we were in because of construction so we had to go up to arrivals and then down to departures and then up to arrivals and then back down to departures and then an hour later our shuttle finally found his way in to pick us up.

On our way to our hotel (literally a mile from the airport which we could have walked to in the time we waited) the shuttle driver was telling us about the disaster that has been the random minutes-notice closures and detours.

All that to say, finally in our hotel room. Top floor of the hotel and a nice bed to sleep in. NYC, let’s do this!!!

Gratitude Month Day 3 :: 11/3/19 :: Post 779

November 3, 2017 was day 5 of chemo round 2. It was bad. Nausea, puking, dizziness and wishing for a different story.

November 3 of 2018, Chris and I had just landed in NYC, we had the adventure of construction and insane traffic, even at midnight, and we crashed hard once we got to our hotel…and despite being just a week post-op from one of many of my surgeries, we were looking so forward to a full 3 days ahead of fun, excitement and celebration.

November 3, today, I could barely walk. Every step hurt worse than the one prior. It was a full day that I barely made it through going from work to a volleyball game to a small group party…but in the midst of this full day wrought with extreme pain, I found myself grateful for so much. I love my church, I love my pastor, I love my colleagues… my Annie did amazing in her game and her team won the championship match and the smile on her face lit up my life… and my friends are incredible people – full of joy and life and laughter and love.

Gratitude Month, Day 3 – I am so grateful for my people. Grateful that 2 years ago, I didn’t have to walk chemo side effects alone. Grateful that a year ago I got to go to my favorite city. And grateful that today, even though cancer continues to rear its ugly head, that I had just what I needed to get through it, step in front of step.