Both+And 11.2

Posted on November 2, 2020Comments Off on Both+And 11.2

Being “seen.” How would you define that? What do you think about it? What comes up for you when you read those words? What is your initial reaction?

Being “seen.” I think it goes beyond seeing. It goes beyond, “looking someone in the eye.” I think “seeing another” is a concept that is easy to talk about from the see-er’s point of view. But what about from the see-n’s point of view? What might a conversation look like—one that is not boundaried by what is surface, safe, trite, pat, easy-from-the-see-er’s-point-of-view? I hear it often (and have even said it myself), “People, in general, want to be seen.” Yet, if we’re willing to be honest, that is a relatively broad (and even presumptuous) statement.

Being “seen.” What does that *actually* mean?

What are the conditions? What are the expectations? What are the actions? – – – for the SEE-ER.
What are the conditions? What are the expectations? What are the reactions? – – – of the SEE-N.
Being seen requires vulnerability.
Being seen is not an isolated action nor is it an isolated experience nor is it an isolated target.
Being seen is bi-directional.
Being seen is more than being seen.

I guess my both+and challenge is this: go deeper than the literal and figurative, ‘looking someone in the eye.’ If someone were to ask me, “Do you feel seen?” My answer would be, “Sometimes, fully. A lot of times, about ½.” I’m grateful—I’m grateful for those that SEE me FULLY and I’m grateful for those that give me their ½. And the other ½, though, that is hard. Both + And.

*Post 943

This Battle is Brutal :: 11/2/17 :: Post 66

A lot of tears have come over me today. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to be fighting cancer. I don’t want to hurt and feel sick and feel like I’m barely making it by. I don’t want to take meds around the clock just to manage the ick of all of this.

I don’t want to be needy and useless. And yes, I used the word useless. I literally had NO energy to do anything today. Not.A.Thing. I slept most of the day and I’m pretty positive that I didn’t even make it downstairs once today. Sad thing is, I don’t even remember IF I went downstairs!?

This battle is brutal.

I want to feel strong and unstoppable. I want to be strong for my family. I want my strength to be an asset at work. I want to eat and drink what I enjoy rather than question everything I put into my body. I want to sleep normally again where I actually feel rested after a night’s sleep. I want to be comfortable in my own skin and have confidence in what I look like, what I wear, how I do my hair. I want to have back everything that cancer has taken from me.

I’m bitter tonight. I’m sad that I have to walk this journey. This day was as slow as cold molasses and tomorrow and the weekend will be the same. It’s mind-numbingly awful to sit here and just feel all of the awful feelings…wishing it was simply the flu or a cold…something with an “end date”. Instead, here I sit knowing that how terrible I feel and how I’ll have to go through it all over again in round 3 …. And 4…. And 5…. And 6……

That sucks. And it feels ever so sickeningly forever…

Ugh.

And again the sleep is overtaking me so I am going to be done for the night. I’m hopeful for a day tomorrow free of nausea and a day with more energy. It makes me sad that I don’t have the energy to write more…I know it’s there but I am just spent. Yet another thing I am bitter about…

Whew :: 11/2/18 :: Post 415

Whew

Still at a volleyball game…..I am out of a voice. Big night. Work tomorrow. Then NYC!!!!!

I’m. E X H A U S T E D

Gratitude Month Day 2 :: 11/2/19 :: Post 778

November 2 of 2017 was a bad day. I was sick. I was weak. I had slept all day and didn’t even remember if I had gone downstairs at all that day. I was wishing for a cold or the flu instead of cancer. I couldn’t see the end. Chemo was going to last forever…

November 2 of 2018 – my freshman-at-the-time kid and her team had just won a game to send them to the State Tournament and Chris and I were flying out the next day to spend a few days in NYC for the Marathon because my sweet friend was running in my honor and my parents gave me that trip as a gift and celebration of my last chemo infusion a month prior. It was a good day.

Today, November 2, 2019 was a full day of volleyball and my body is screaming at me. I can barely walk, ridiculously enough, even typing is hurting and I don’t feel well much at all. The difficult reality that cancer has touched literally every part of my life, then and now.

Gratitude Month, Day 2 – But, despite my constant pain. I am grateful that chemo infusions did in fact, end…and for amazing parents and sweet friends (who run 26+ miles to show they care).