I haven’t had much “space” today. But just now on a walk, Chris and I were talking about 2021 and medical insurance as it’s that time of the year… and wow. How this conversation has taken on some really big ‘what-ifs’ that offer only really big ‘who-knows?’ and in the midst of those, some really hard memories and even harder realities. And I find it very interesting that when I have these types of things to process, a very strong wave of nausea hits me. The your-spit-gets-warm-lump-in-your-throat kind of nausea.

At the same time of holding this really tough reality, warm spit and all, I readily recognize how blessed I am and I am grateful for the Lord’s provision in my life, His presence on the mountains and in the valleys and His purpose woven into my story.

*Post 957

Light and Dark :: 11/16/17 :: Post 80

Light and dark

I simply can’t do it…I can’t answer the question, “How are you?” with anything but what is real….. I can’t say, “I’m great!” or “I’m doing really well!” Those are just not true enough. I don’t hate the question and I’m actually incredibly thankful people are asking. I so need their care and concern. I also need them to be able to hear the truth without being scared to ask again. I need them to be okay with

“I’m okay…”
“I’m hanging in there…”
“I’m not so good…”
“I’m awful…”
“I’m tired…”
“I’m hurting…”
“I’m sad…”
“I’m struggling…”
“I’m barely keeping it together…”
“I’m scared…”

At no point in this journey does it get easier. I don’t get to wake up and say, “Oh good, today I don’t have cancer….” I don’t get a day off. I can’t take a vacation from the hardness of it all and reset. I don’t get to select the days I struggle… like tomorrow – it’s my birthday. I don’t get to choose to experience my birthday free of cancer for the day. Instead, my husband shaved my head tonight as close as an electric razor would go because of how patchy my balding head was getting…and tomorrow, I get to go to my Cancer Center and get my blood levels checked and pre-chemo fluids and meds because, well, I have cancer and chemo round 3 starts Monday. Happy Birthday to me. What a way to ring in a new year….

I don’t say all of this because I think nothing is good about my life. There is plenty of good….

I’m alive. I’m resilient to battle. My community of people is beyond amazing. Conventional medicine, research, and the road travelled by many before me make it so I can remain alive. I have a job where I can battle and work at the same time…and colleagues that support me. I have resources. …Relationships have a beautiful depth that only life and death can bring. Perspective…. Radically changed and priorities realigned. Gratitude. Like never before experienced. I can see the beauty and the good. I can recognize hope. I can squint at the slivers of light that pierce this dark, dank, smelly pit of the hell that is cancer.

But the pit is real. And it’s hard. And it’s going to continue to be for a good long time. So, I’m okay….I’m hanging in there…. But I’m not great. Yet, I’ll battle again tomorrow…even on my birthday.

Seinfeld :: 11/16/18 :: Post 429

Seinfeld with my best and I laughed. A lot. It was so good for me after a really hard week. Happy birthday to me 🙂

Gratitude Month Day 16 :: 11/16/19 :: Post 792

I wrote this in 2017: “I don’t get a day off. I can’t take a vacation from the hardness of it all and reset. I don’t get to select the days I struggle… like tomorrow – it’s my birthday. I don’t get to choose to experience my birthday free of cancer for the day. Instead, my husband shaved my head tonight as close as an electric razor would go because of how patchy my balding head was getting…and tomorrow, I get to go to my Cancer Center and get my blood levels checked and pre-chemo fluids and meds because, well, I have cancer and chemo round 3 starts Monday. Happy Birthday to me. What a way to ring in a new year….” I also wrote: “I can see the beauty and the good. I can recognize hope. I can squint at the slivers of light that pierce this dark, dank, smelly pit of the hell that is cancer.”

In 2018, still recovering from surgery number five (of what ended up being an eventual 11), my best and I went to Seinfeld and laughed. A lot. That was nice.

2019 – I was so heavy-hearted last night as I went to bed. It wasn’t necessarily a ‘sad’ heavy, rather it was more contemplative and reflective over the past couple of years. And then this morning, waking up on my last day in my 30’s, I had an interesting thought… You know how people say, “there’s a reason for everything”? I really hate that phrase. It makes me think of God as a puppeteer, causing things, both good and bad, to happen for some sort of agenda… Instead, I think the phrase, “there’s purpose in everything” highlights the fact that God doesn’t waste experiences. He can use the bad things that happen (due to sin, not a puppet-master) to bring depth and understanding, faith and connection.

Gratitude Month Day 16 – I’m grateful that I have been provided the opportunity to learn depth and understanding, faith and connection.