Really think about the answer to this question:
“What happens inside yourself when you hear authenticity (even if it is hard to hear)?”

Now this one:
“What happens inside yourself when you hear inauthenticity (even if it is easy to hear)?”

If you choose to be very honest with yourself, which one do you prefer to RECEIVE? Which one do you lean towards? Which one do you shy away from? I also know that both of these questions put you in a ‘judger’ role, supposing what the other person is offering – authenticity or inauthenticity. And yes, sometimes you might be wrong either way you suppose. But I’d venture to guess that you’ve had interactions with people where you could get a pretty accurate sense of their preference. What do each of them “feel” like or “look” like when you’re on the receiving end of them? How do you think you know?

Now ask yourself this question:
“What happens inside myself when I am authentic (even if it is hard)?”

And this one:
“What happens inside myself when I am inauthentic (even if it is easier)?

(and even if you see where I’m headed, take care to actually read the words as I didn’t just copy/paste) ?

If you choose to be very honest with yourself, which one do you prefer to BE? Which one do you lean towards? Which one do you shy away from? Again, the questions put you in a somewhat ‘judger’ role, but I’d venture this guess: That you have felt and been both. What do each of them “feel” like or “look” like when you’re being them? Do you think people suppose your preference accurately?

I believe these questions to be worth the time and the energy to ask and process but you know me, I like to dig into words.

*Post 955

Endurance :: 11/14/17 :: Post 78

Endurance is a word that has come up so much for me these past couple of days. It means something different to me now than it ever has.

To last.
To get up.
To take a shower.
To look at scars.
To shave my head.
To sit in a chair for hours……days……weeks on end.
To go to the bathroom while pulling around an IV pump.
To have “chemo days.”
To sit and cry.
To go to work while fighting for my life.
To invest in relationships because I will beat this.
To wait.
To sit in the unknown and wonder.
To learn purpose in pain.
To force myself to drink water when it’s the most disgusting thing ever.
To eat.
To go to yet another appointment.
To fight every day knowing how far I’ve come but how far I have left to go.
To know this but also live in the present moment.
To be. IN this. In ALL of this.
To choose to face the day.
To accept help.
To accept that I won’t be 100% for quite some time.
To learn how to live at less than 100%.
To do laundry and walk up and down stairs.
To do physical therapy exercises because I had major surgery.
To hope.
To laugh.
To trial and error.
To wear a brown wig.
To wear a purple wig.
To go bald.
To need.
To look in the mirror.
To redefine beauty…confidence…femininity…intimacy……….
To redefine strength….resilience…fight…
To be quiet. And still.
To meet yet one more medical professional…or sit in one more medical exam room…or have one more medical procedure…
To be real.
To be thankful.
To creatively find mercy.
To feel my port under my skin or feel the catheter that runs up my jugular.
To put one foot in front of the other.
To write.
To show up.
To allow this to change me…define me…mold me.
To smile even when I hurt.
To breathe.

To endure looks like all of these things. And each one will continue to hold truth as I continue this journey. And more will be learned. I acknowledge just how much I’ve overcome already…a friend reminded me of that today. I also must acknowledge all that I have ahead. The battle is every day. The battle is hard. The battle for my life requires endurance of a whole new kind. Lord Jesus, give me the strength to endure.

I Think :: 11/14/18 :: Post 427

I think people are anxious for me to be “past this”….
I think people think I think I’m “past this”….
I think people think this is something to get “past”….
That’s not how this works for me.

Gratitude Month Day 14 :: 11/14/19 :: Post 790

In 2017 I wrote about how endurance looked much different fighting for my life than I had ever considered endurance looking like before. And it feels really hard to reread that long list from two years ago.

Last year I acknowledged that I was still enduring even though most people were assuming it was done and behind me.

This year…I continue to endure because the reality is that it won’t ever be done and behind me. And Gratitude Month Day 14, I’m so thankful I can.