It’s an interesting both+and today.

I’ve been really sick. Like, so sick that I got “that call” …the one that changed everything. So sick that I wanted to die. So sick that I couldn’t imagine surviving a mere 5 minutes let alone anything longer than that. So sick that now I wonder if anything anything ‘off’ is more of “that sick.”
The cancer monster.

I’ve also been so sick that I’ve looked death in the face and learned that I’m not even a little bit scared of it. So sick that I know what grit actually means. So sick that I have felt a nearness of God that can only come when at the sheer end of myself. So sick that I got to the point where I considered myself, cancer and all, in a win/win situation. SO sick that I’ll never.be.the.same.
The cancer companion.

The monster, it’s claws dug deep into to my forever-compromised left arm and the companion holding tight and steady, linked arm-in-arm on the other….. This is my life.

And now, together we’re walking in the midst of a pandemic. I mean, it’s weird enough navigating survivorship, the three of us linked and stepping in sync, but covid? That’s an extra layer of bizarre. Am I nervous about covid? Yup. For all of the reasons. . . . . Am I unconcerned about covid? Yup. For all of the reasons. . . . .  What if I get it? What if I don’t? So, what wins out – I will not stop experiencing a life that is rich. Sometimes the rich can be found in the isolation of quarantine. Sometimes in the much-too-close interactions of the crowd. Sometimes in the quiet of reflection. Sometimes in the noise of opinion. Sometimes in the errand with a mask. Sometimes rebelling and walking out of the restaurant without it. It will be in the ‘when I get it’ or in the ‘if I don’t.’

The monster, the companion and myself – we’ll just keep stepping in sync, looking for the ways we can live richly and not be distracted by the ‘what if.’ The monster reminding me of just how vulnerable, out of control, stuck in the reality of the perpetual unknown that I am and the companion reminding me how to live changed.

*Post 953

How Rather Than Why :: 11/12/17 :: Post 76

I sat in a lot of quiet today. It was nice. It was relaxing and refreshing. It was restful and necessary. While I managed a little guilt over not being productive today, mostly I just allowed myself to be in the quiet rest.

The thoughts that swirled in my head today…………..

Suffering isn’t a solo experience. Suffering has been a part of the world since Adam and Eve. Everyone has their story. Story has been around for thousands of years. Everyone has moments in their life where hardship defines chapters…. Or books…. Or volumes… God’s original design wasn’t for pain. Sin entered the story and everything had to change. Humankind went their way, God had to design a new design. When we went our own direction, He had to create a way back. He suffered when He gave His Son on our behalf. That was the only way. How painful. And certainly, Jesus suffered by taking on every.last.sin to be the Way back. My God knows suffering Himself.

I am not alone in my suffering …Others before and around me …God Himself

I have asked “Why me” a lot …..Today, I was challenged to think instead of “why me” it’s “because me.” Because I live in a world where stories include both good and bad. Because I live in a world where sin has defined humankind. Because I live in a world where God had to give His own Son to redeem the sin of humankind. Because I live in a world of free will. If everything was easy, faith would be unnecessary. If everything was easy, God wouldn’t be needed. If everything was easy I would get far too big for my britches and my head would get far too full of myself.

I am not immune to suffering …I have much to gain …And it is good

If I were to be free of suffering, I would not be on this earth at this time. Because suffering is a part of the world, to be without suffering would be without this world. God has not chosen to remove suffering from me because He has not chosen to remove me from the world. If I were to be rescued from suffering, I would be called home to Heaven. If I were to be rescued from suffering, I may not experience the good and the beauty that also come with suffering. If I were to be rescued from suffering, I would not be here for this time, for a purpose.

I am suffering for purpose …Earthy purpose …Heavenly purpose.

None of what I am saying means that I am okay with having cancer. I’m not sure I’ll ever get there. I’m not sure that is even expected of me. I have a long and difficult road ahead of me (and quite a road behind me) and none of it will be easier because I have these understandings. What I am feeling, though, is that how I suffer can look different. I can stop asking “why” and I can stop wondering “why won’t God save me from it” …instead I can walk purposefully through each moment and day as they come knowing there is something purposeful. Perhaps I am being called to a Trust that is the truest Trust I can only experience because I have to endure this.

My reality is that every day is hard. Every thing is hard. Instead of wishing it to not be hard (a waste of the little energy I have), I need to focus my energy on putting one foot in front of the other in the hard…I need to focus my energy on what is in this for me…I need to focus my energy on how to walk this rather than why do I have to… A friend texted me tonight and said, “I love you, friend, in the midst of all the hard questions and living out their even tougher answers.”

Yup. Living out the tough answers is the how…

A Good Long Time :: 11/12/18 :: Post 425

Feeling odd…..Pensive….Uncertain…Reflective…..

I have found myself in the memories of last year. My birthday is coming up so maybe that has something to do with it. And I remember it being a really big thing to me that I was going to be bald for my birthday…..

I am also finding myself, at times, still saying, “I can’t believe it. Is this for real?”

And then I move and I’m reminded by the pain in my body that this most certainly is real. And it’s still going. And I’m gonna be hurting for a good long time to come.

But grateful I’m here to continue the battle.

Gratitude Month Day 12 :: 11/12/19 :: Post 788

November 12 of 2017 was a pivotal day for me. I went back and reread what I had written on that day and I had come to a pretty significant conclusion: How, not why. I was processing through changing my attitude from ‘why me’ to ‘because me’… I was being challenged to see my suffering as purposeful instead of pitying myself for having to suffer. It was a moment of clarity to realize that ‘why me’ was actually an act of giving up and that by deciding to think ‘because me’ (or the ‘how’), I was choosing to engage in transformation. I wrote: “Perhaps I am being called to a Trust that is the truest Trust I can only experience because I have to endure this.”

…It is so interesting reading this 730 days later.

Gratitude Month Day 12 – I have suffered…and I continue to suffer. I have endured…and I continue to endure. I have been transformed…and I continue to be transformed. As I sit here, 730 days later, feeling every joint’s intense pain, my head foggy and my spirit fatigued, I am grateful that I didn’t just learn ‘because me’ for a day, but that 730 days later, I am still striving to live out my how.