Consider:

Both.

The opposite of authentic is manipulation.

And.

The opposite of gratitude is selfishness.

Therefore.

Being authentically grateful helps you not be selfishly manipulative.

I’m exhausted tonight from everything and I just don’t feel like making my brain do any more work. But there is definitely more here. . .

*Post 951

Exhaustion :: 11/10/17 :: Post 74

I’m laying here feeling so sick. Again. At the end of day 12. Uncertain of my strength to endure. Trusting that the resilience created in me…and inherent to the human body…will rise when I feel I cannot for another day. Feeling so purely exhausted that I cannot keep my eyes open for much longer. Wishing I had the capacity to write more but just not being able to. Having to give in to the exhaustion and let the day be done.

I have such little left……

Sad :: 11/10/18 :: Post 423

My heart is sad tonight.

It’s interesting to me that this journey is so unpredictable. One day I can feel “fine” and another I’m not. And some days “fine” is most certainly a relative term….

I’ve been low most of the day and it’s likely due to the fact that today was the first day in many where I had some time to just be. With NYC, and living with my parents and then moving back home and work difficulties and State volleyball…..it’s been many days of “high” and “loud” so today’s quiet was extra quiet.

In this quiet I find myself feeling sad. Cancer is hard. My body hurts and is tired. All of the time. My soul is weary of the constant battle. My heart is consistently wrestling with such hard tensions.

The quiet is welcome. It is also hard.

And even with much behind me, the sadness is ever so presently real.

*sigh

Gratitude Month Day 10 :: 11/10/19 :: Post 786

Gratitude Month Day 10

This day in 2017 was another day of pure exhaustion….so much that I could hardly write anything. And in 2018 I wrote about how that day had brought some quiet that I hadn’t had for awhile and despite the quiet being hard, it was welcomed.

Tonight – a few things are on my mind:

1. My heart has felt sad most of the day. Sad at the pain I find myself in and how it colors literally everything I do. I was decorating for Christmas today, hindered by hurting. I cleaned the kitchen, hindered by hurting. I did my laundry, hindered by hurting.
2. The brain fog is so annoying. The impact cancer and chemo have had on my short-term memory is significant and there are times where I cannot remember a thought that came to mind or an idea I’ve had for more than 2 minutes. If I don’t write it down, it just doesn’t exist.
3. I have one week left of my 4^th decade being alive. That’s wild…and oh how these almost 40 years have hit me hard. Wonderful. But hard. I sit here tonight feeling a little lost on where I’m going…yet trying to remain in the practice of ‘living short.’

So, Gratitude Month day 10 – I’m grateful that I can still do life, even if I hurt doing it. I’m grateful that I can still think and have ideas, even if I have to write things down all of the time. I’m grateful for getting to my 40^th birthday, even if my 40 years have been difficult. I remember there was a time, not too long ago, where I wasn’t sure I was going to make it to the next day, so the fact that I am where I am is a miracle (even if it’s hard to see the miracle in it all).

Gratitude doesn’t replace sorrow…it doesn’t silver-lining anything, it doesn’t un-do pain, it doesn’t pretend the hard stuff doesn’t exist, it simply can be held together with those things.