The hot pink of October, despite its well-meaning intentions, doesn’t tell the real story…so my body will:

My body has been sluggish all day—The ratcheting of my pained joints. The heaviness of cancer-confused-now-menopausal pounds impossible to be rid of. Each of my 29 scars, an ungodly burden attached.

My stomach upset and unhappy despite eating clean and healthy; fire filling my throat and nausea-causing bile, my gut.

My skin has been torturously burning and itchy with no way to relief as sensation is forever buried deep below a forever dead surface.

My hormones amuck, continuing to wage their unseen war in ways that are beyond comprehension.

My head has been full of fog, terribly slow to process, sticky and languid, Mad-Hatter maddening and annoyingly all-consuming.

My heart—so laden. The heaviness, though nondescript, has shown itself in tearful eyes and a sad posture and a weary fatigue…such a tired tired.

#CancerSucks

The Haze :: 10/4/17 :: Post 37

What a funk I have been in today. I woke up this way. I have gone through my day this way. And as my day wraps up, I am still this way.

I feel I have been surrounded by a haze all day…everywhere I go, every conversation, every interaction, every situation.

I’m snippy….I’m chippy….my words have a little bite to them…. I feel like I want to unzip my skin and step out of it like an old, ugly, used up outfit and throw it away. I feel like I want to escape my own body. I am antsy and itchy and prickly. I sit here crying…emotional….unsure of where the tears are coming from.

It’s a hard place to sit…knowing there is something being felt but unsure of what it is. It’s like trying to grab at a cloud…my hand keeps reaching out to grasp wispy air, my heart is, too. And of course, I am unsuccessful because that is just not possible. A colleague and friend of mine gave me this visual (the cloud, wispy-ness of emotions) a couple of years ago and it has always stuck with me… it resonated with me as a counselor. Now, being where I am, I can resonate with it so much more personally and I get it. If I were the counselor and counseling a ‘me’, I would be asking questions to try and help them make sense of the haze and start to put it in little containers, little jars….labelled with emotions that seem to fit. I would ask for them to describe their day, describe their interactions…tell me about the most menial of things… I would begin to look for themes in their recounting of their day… I would use that to offer suggestions of emotions or feelings and see what they think about those words…see if those words spark a resonance. And then, if so, I would encourage them to mentally (or physically act out) the grasping of the haze and then contain it in the little jar and have them write the label on it.

And maybe that is all we do. Maybe we just name things. And maybe there is still some haze left over. But maybe we get a little closer to clarity simply through the process. And maybe that is all that is needed. Just a label. Just a jar.

If I were to do that for myself…recount my day, even the most menial of tasks…

I woke up edgy. I had to wake up extra early for an early meeting at work and that felt annoying. I love this time of year, but I hate that it’s sooooooo dark when my alarm goes off. How badly I wanted to stay asleep. How desperate I was to wake up in a different moment of time.

I got ready. I hurt today, physically, and it was frustrating to shower, and I was so irritated that my arms got tired simply by doing mascara. Seriously. Whatever, I guess that won’t be an issue when I don’t have eyelashes anymore.

I was hungry but had no appetite. I have to have meds with food and a probiotic and a turmeric supplement and a cancer-killing smoothie and water and that is just a lot for my tummy all at once. Stupid cancer. I can’t even eat normally anymore…everything I put in my body I fear will feed cancer. It’s an awful place to be knowing that I have to eat but questioning every little thing.

I drove to work. And man, everyone on the road were the dumbest drivers ever. Everyone is in such a hurry…and they make the stupidest moves just to get 3 cars ahead just to have to stop at the same stoplight as me. Way to endanger the lives of everyone around you to be no further ahead. *Thumbs up to you **eye roll

I got to work and wasn’t sure how to be prepared for the day. I knew it was a staff meeting day and I was going to see several people for the first time since before surgery. Was it going to be hard? Was it going to be good to see them? Was I going to want to run in the other direction because of the whole “how do I come back to normal when I’m radically different?” And then I saw that I was on the agenda to update the staff on the knowns and unknowns of this journey. I appreciated the opportunity as it allowed me to get everyone on the same page….and I appreciated so much how my leadership handled that time for me….and I appreciated everyone’s response to what I had to say. But it was hard. Because this is hard. And I have to talk about myself having cancer. And while I know some of this journey, I am still in a major holding pattern because I have not walked the road yet ahead.

And the rest of the day was hard. I was a little impatient. I was in pain. I was a little unsteady on my feet (which is new and kinda weird). I was SO hot. Ugh. And I haven’t even started chemo where I’ll get to experience menopause symptoms. Lovely.

Driving home was similar to the drive in – everyone was a moron. I so badly wanted to have a superpower to fly home and avoid being on the road…and while I’m at it, if I had a superpower, I would choose to snap my fingers and make cancer nonexistent.

Then I got home. It was good to see my girls. They were happy. That was nice. And a very dear friend brought my family dinner and I was so happy I was going to get to see her and sit and talk for as long as she could stay. And we did. We talked, and her presence filled my soul. And then my phone rang…I had to cut my time with her short because Chris got held up at work, my mom was already on Haleigh-duty, and I had to get Annie to volleyball. Life. So, I had to say a quick unexpected goodbye to my friend that I wasn’t ready to say goodbye to and leave in such a rush that I forgot my shoes as Annie was freaking out that we were going to be late. And we were. And I forgot to tell my other kid that I was leaving. And I had to pee, but didn’t have time to do so before we left, so I thought I could do it at the Y. But then once I got in there and realized I didn’t have shoes, I couldn’t go into the bathroom where all of the swimmers go pee cuz the floor would be all wet…..wet socks. Um, no. So I held it. Until Chris got to the Y so that I could tag-out.

And the noise….oh how I love the noise of my family but tonight, it’s so overwhelming. The dogs….the kids…the talking…. And now I just feel awful because what a horrible thing to say about some of the sweetest sounds on the planet.

The haze has surrounded me all day long.

And now I have to pee again. Because I have to get in the habit of drinking A.CRAP.TON.OF.WATER. because if I don’t, the toxins they are about to inject into my body will settle and not be flushed out and of course, that is NOT good for me.

And I still have to do my PT exercises.

And I still have to sleep in a chair.

And I still have to wake up tomorrow when it’s dark just to get ready again for another unknown day.

Cancer sucks. And I still wrestle with being angry with myself for making this a big deal and then I get angry with myself for being angry with myself because it is a big deal…because, well, it is a big friggen deal.

Yup, I am definitely a little “bite-y” today.

Maybe this haze is bitterness? I’ve had that word pop up a few times today and the more I write about my day, the more I see a theme. I’m irritable, I’m frustrated, I’m annoyed, I’m itching to get out of my own skin, I’m grumpy….cancer has made everything more difficult….strained….unknown and scary.

Maybe there is some fear underlying the bitterness. Fear that I have to walk the unknowns of every next hour, day, week, year(s) and I am bitter that I have to. Why me?

Maybe there is some resentment. Why me? Would I wish this on someone else? No…..maybe? If I’m being honest? No, I’m back to no. I just want cancer to not exist as it takes so much with it. Oh, the losses…………

I can say with some certainty that the haze might be partly exhaustion. Not just from going back to work this week….but from this whole year. It began with a crisis of a re-lived trauma, settled down for a bit, then had some other re-lived trauma, then a car accident and now a cancer diagnosis and alllllllllllll the stuff that has followed and lies ahead.

I have a few labeled jars….. That’s progress…. That doesn’t feel like enough for me, though, but I’m tired. And I’m pissy. And I just need to sleep. And maybe tomorrow will be different. And maybe not. Who knows………. I sure don’t.

Related to upcoming chemo?

Dignity :: 10/4/18 :: Post 386

Dignity. That one goes deep.

I cried today because I was struck by the fact that I’m choosing elective reconstructive surgeries that are incredibly hard because my alternative is something I’m not wanting to have to accept.

That is a sucky place to have to sit.

I could throw in the towel and give up and say F-it…Cancer, you win this round. You get to win and I’ll settle for a body that has been beaten down and broken.

Or I can choose to battle. For my own heart. For my own confidence. For my own dignity.

The harsh reality is that I could choose this battle and still end up on the losing end. And if I have to cross that bridge, I will. …..And i know, I know, my dignity does not rest solely on how my body looks when this is all done. But it matters. A lot.

Cancer has hurt me so. It’s hurt my soul. It’s hurt my body. It’s taken so much from me. If I can try to take some back, I’m gonna.

October 4 of 31 :: 10/4/19 :: Post 749

My cousin Meagan got married tonight. It was beautiful. Such fun to be with my family and witness such beautiful commitment.

I was teary just being there, because, well, that’s simply who I am. But there was a point in the ceremony tonight that brought new tears that have never been cried before. In this same moment, I had a slight hitch in my breath and I felt my heartbeat a little deeper.

“….In sickness and in health…..”

“…In sickness and in health…”

Those words reached a new depth tonight, more than at any wedding before. Even my own. We say these words when we promise ‘to have and to hold till death do us part’ and no doubt we trust that we mean them but I wonder if people, when making these promises, are really able to consider any scenarios that would require this promise to be put into action. I know I didn’t. I absolutely promised these words from the bottom of my heart but I never really thought I’d be on the receiving end of such promises. I never really considered a reality that required my husband to make good on them.

And here we are. Making our way through the reality of our vows almost 19 years ago. Figuring out what it really means to have made these promises and see them through…even when it sucks and giving up seems far too obvious a solution. Figuring out what it means to fight for each other…even when endurance is brutally hard. Figuring out how to take the words of love and turn them into actions…even when the actions are the hardest things to navigate.

My husband is my best person. He is a warrior. And as we danced tonight, holding each other close, reminiscing about our own wedding, laughing and talking, we were also mindful of just what tonight has represented…and I am deeply grateful he keeps choosing me.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

…Day four – The insecurities are intense and it is really difficult not to spiral in them. I’m trying to get better with responding to compliments, but man is it hard. My self-image is such a mess and my first response isn’t very accepting. I’m sorry. It’s hard not to think ‘people are just saying that…’ and it’s hard to accept beauty when I see the cancer-did-this-to-me reflection and it’s hard to embrace a body reconstructed.  ….I’ll get there. But be patient, please.