We had a decision to make this morning. Take the fastest route or the scenic route.
We chose the latter. And it was stunning. Fall on the Blue Ridge Parkway is worth the hours out of the way, the winding roads, the slow progress… But, there is more here in this story…more metaphors for life. While driving, we were getting to a point where we’d been in the car for quite some time and we needed a bathroom. We found a scenic overlook (one of many) that had a bathroom and took a quick walk. As we were piling back in the car, Chris said, “Well, we can get back in, get off the parkway and get to our destination faster or we can take the 30ish minute hike to a waterfall here.” We *almost* got back in the car. And it was tempting.
But we didn’t. Once again, the latter won. And once again, it was stunning. The hike was easy for my family. Harder for me. (Thanks cancer). And there was a point, where I wished I was back at the car, sitting in my nicely air conditioned front seat, passively enjoying the scenery that took no effort whatsoever to enjoy. Then it hit me – I was rushing through the arduous to get back to the easy but by doing so, I was missing the beauty.
Ah. Interesting. No?
It made me think of cancer. An arduous road it is, no doubt. And I certainly have moments where I wish it away. Where I wish away the uphill, rocky, exhausting, every-step-hurts route. Where I wish for the air-conditioned front seat… But I’m grateful, just as I was earlier today, when I reconsidered and decided to look up and take in every moment of every hard step. Doing this, of course, did not happen without it’s pain, or it’s struggle or grit because one doesn’t replace the other, but in that both+and view, while trudging the arduous, I took in the beauty.
*Post 923
Wax and Wane :: 10/14/17 :: Post 47
Acceptance?
I’ve spent some time today sitting in the space of acceptance. What it is….what it looks like…
I was feeling like crap this morning, so stir crazy, so pissy about having cancer and having to fight for my life against this evil disease. I can’t sleep, I can’t eat, I can’t taste, I don’t feel the same sensations, I have a long road back to intimacy…. it has taken so much from me… I was bitter and grumpy and wishing I was anywhere but here. And yet, here I sit. With stage 3, grade 3 breast cancer… it IS what it is. I DO have cancer. I cannot wish it away. I cannot think about different circumstances and have it be different circumstances. I cannot cross my fingers tighter for it to not be here when I wake up tomorrow morning. I can certainly pray for healing, but the Lord seems to have me here so I cannot pray “extra hard” to have it magically disappear.
That’s not how this works.
Unfortunately.
And, again and again, there is something in this for me. Because God is good. And He wastes nothing. I cannot imagine in my human limitations what [that] is, but I cling to the knowledge that it will in fact, be good. Someday.
Someday.
Maybe even a little bit today
I feel like I was in a bad place today simply because I had spent the entire week looking at the same four walls and being stuck in the land of “what side effect will hit next.” And it has been a rough one. But then I decided to go to Haleigh’s softball game (even though I really didn’t feel I had the strength to get up and go, let alone drive there), and I enjoyed it. Getting outside, even in the wind and chill, it was so good for my soul to get out. Out of my room, out of my chair, out of my stir-craziness, out of my anger and bitterness.
I got home after her game and I felt a little different. I felt more at peace with all of this. I sat back in my room and felt different. I sat back in my chair and felt different.
Acceptance?? I’m certainly not going to say that I’ve jumped all in with both feet, but I can say that something shifted today. A little.
So what does acceptance feel like? It feels quiet. It feels less “clutch-y.” It feels trusting even in the uncertain. It feels matter-of-fact. It feels like I’m believing it a little more today. It feels like I am taking responsibility for my part in this. It feels like I am regarding this as truth. It feels like I’m wishing less and willing more. It feels strong.
The journey is long. Acceptance will wane and wax. But tonight, I will hold to what I have and be where I am.
Yet Another One :: 10/14/18 :: Post 396
Needed a lazy day.
…..I got one.
Gearing up for another surgery this week. And the routine that comes with that.
….I’m weary but resilient.
Finding myself in quiet reflection.
….I’m curious of what’s to come.
October 14 of 31 :: 10/14/19 :: Post 759
Two steps forward, three back. Today, I regressed a little…
It’s such a cliché to ‘live for the moment’ and to ‘be here now’… certainly clichés are clichés for a reason – they hold much truth but unfortunately, once they hit their cliché-status, they begin to lose their meaning. They begin to lose their effectiveness. And pretty soon, even though we are saying all the right words, our actions stop following. I was in that camp today. Living in the unintentional motions, behaving rote, choosing to allow the overwhelmed-ness of the big picture distract me from the change cancer has offered me.
As I sat down to consider what to write about tonight, it hit me that living in that unintentional, rote, overwhelmed place changes my whole being. The glasses I look through when in that place skew e v e r y t h i n g…. I was grumpy, impatient and prickly and my tasks throughout the day felt beyond my capacity.
And as I sit here considering how to live differently, I am reminded of what cancer offers. Cancer offers simplicity. It offers intentionality and purpose. It offers being mindful, not mind full. It offers a real and tangible experience of living FULLY in-between the memory and the what-if because that space in-between is all that I am guaranteed…
So, I’ll start with grace for myself that I lost focus on that today. Then I will remind myself that I don’t have to live so far out ahead of myself and instead, I get to live short. I’ll get to the weekend when I get to the weekend but right now, I’m living my Monday, October 14th, 2019 night.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month…
…Day fourteen – Cancer sucks. But God wastes nothing.