Platinum is a beautiful, strong, precious metal often used for some of the most striking jewelry. I glance down and even as I type, I see it donning my own left hand, glistening and reflecting the light of the sun.

It was also an element in one of my chemo drugs…

While in my cancer chair during the days immediately following my infusions, in the sheltered moments before the ‘ick’ hit, I remember being struck by the weight of hearing my chemo nurse’s words:

“You’re gonna need to drink a lot of water or the platinum from your infusion will settle heavy in your blood…and that’s not good.”
“Platinum?” I thought. “Really? What IS this? What am I DOING here? Is THIS really happening?”

There’s gotta be a metaphor in here somewhere… and…

I hope it did it’s job.

*Post 922

I’m…So………Tired :: 10/13/17 :: Post 46

This fatigue, though…

I have been so tired all day today and have done very little but sit around and drift in and out of sleep. Sleep is really tough for me, though, seeing as I cannot get comfortable anywhere. So….it’s been an annoying day and I’m getting so tired of sleeping… Ha! What a funny sentence… and yet, nighttime is right around the corner where I will have to sleep again.

Between naps today, I sat in the quiet and had a mixture of experiences. On one hand, I feel like I am getting closer to accepting this horrendous chapter. I had moments where I said to myself, “Okay, here we go…you’re going to rise to the occasion and kick cancer’s ass! Bald and all… and look where you’ve been and already what you’ve conquered.” and then on another hand, I laid in my bed sobbing because I don’t want any of this. I hate the pain, the nausea, the fatigue, the depression…the long long road ahead.

I find myself vacillating between “I got this” and “I don’t want it.”
“I can do this” and “I can’t do it anymore.”
“This is temporary” and “This is never-ending.”
“I can redefine beauty” and “How in heaven’s name will I get through being bald?”
“I am hungry” and “Food sounds disgusting.”
“I want to sleep” and “I hate sleeping.”
“I want the quiet” and “I despise the silence.”

It is a tough place to sit and I found myself there more than once today…ready to accept ALL that comes with this but also not wanting to face any of the reality. And the tears came easily. I am tired. I am utterly exhausted. I am worn down. And I have a long journey ahead of me. I’m not even through round one of chemo and I have 17 to go. I have already had 40+ appointments and 60+ medical people to date but I have so many more to go.

A friend told me today not to get too far ahead and while I try and keep that in mind, I am finding it hard tonight to not get lost in the vastness that this chapter, this storm feels.

And once again, the emotions take over…

Mountain Tops and Deserts :: 10/13/18 :: Post 395

My kid had an awesome softball day. An amazing catch and some great hits

And our house got one step closer.

And we spent our evening with some amazing people and yummy food.

Life is rich in experience….both in the mountain-top seasons and in the desert ones.

Lord, that we would trust your sovereignty in both.

October 13 of 31 :: 10/13/19 :: Post 758

I feel so off tonight. Funky. Down. Blah. I don’t know why.

Maybe it’s because my heart is sad for those friends and families that are grieving tonight for Maureen and Jen. That their life is missing a key component. That they sit in an incredibly difficult tension of this-side-of-heaven-grief and the-heaven-side-of-heaven-relief.

Maybe it’s because I’m so tired of hurting. I helped my kid’s coach warm her team up today and the lightness on my feet that once was back in my heyday is no longer there as I feel every heavy and painful step. I got out of the car today when we got home and I struggled getting into the house. I cleaned the kitchen and hurt with every swipe of the paper towels. Later when I wash my face and brush my teeth, I’ll hurt then, too. And when I roll over in the middle of the night, yup, then, too.

Maybe it’s because it’s October and this month is filled with difficult memories…and pink around every corner.

Maybe it’s because I usually sit, right at the edge of myself, all of the time and working to keep it together takes an enormous amount of energy.

Maybe it’s because I feel like a foreigner in my own body.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

…Day thirteen – I had a friend message me today, who’s grieving the devastating loss of his wife from cancer. He said, “no one really wants to hear how much cancer sucks.” I think no one wants to hear it because it’s hard to hear. It’s hard to accept the hurt. It’s hard to watch people battle. I keep writing about my experience – day in and day out, 750+ days, over the course of the last 2 years – because I want people to get an insider’s view of cancer…in all of its phases, in all of its ugliness. I am grateful for those that read what I write and use it to inform their empathy. Thank you for holding my awful days with me and celebrating my good ones, even though one outnumbers the other. And thank you for not judging me as I navigate each day.