Just keep showing up
     Committing to the attitude of ‘all feedback is relevant.’
Just keep showing up
     Believing that ‘nothing is wasted.’
Just keep showing up
     Practicing ‘grace upon grace upon grace.’
Just keep showing up
     Living richly in ‘the space between the memory and the what-if.’

Just keep showing up.
Just keep showing up.
Just keep showing up.
Just keep showing up.
Just keep showing up. . .

*Post 938

Here We Go Again :: 10/29/17 :: Post 62

The night before…
Alarms go off to make sure I take pre-chemo-meds.
Packing a chemo-day bag with things to do, blankets, pillows, chargers and snacks.
Trying to get a good night’s sleep while meds that make me jittery and anxious course through my veins.

Here we go again.

I’m not sure how I’m feeling tonight. I’m not necessarily nervous as I “know” what’s coming. I’m not scared as tomorrow isn’t really unknown – I’ve done this once already. I’m not feeling the tears or sadness that I was last night. Yet if I sit here and close my eyes and tune into my whole body I can feel stomach cramps, antsy-ness, restlessness, quietness, despondence, tightness, headache, tiredness.

I’ve been really quiet today. I haven’t had too many words and I haven’t engaged too deeply into the day. I kind of feel like I have just “skimmed” through the day. If I think back through it, I find that I have spent much of the day in my thoughts. Thinking about how I was feeling yesterday, about how sick I am and about how big this really is. Thinking about all that I’ve been through already knowing that I have so much more ahead. Thinking about round 1 and remembering the rough days of 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8 and 9. Remembering the side effects and when they hit and how they felt and how hard those days were. Thinking about the fatigue and the reminder that my body is working really hard to battle this evil disease.

I’m grateful round two is here as that means I am one more round closer to the end. But I am sitting here on the eve of another really hard two weeks. And I’m guessing that by day 14 of this round, all of my hair will be gone and I will be fully bald. And then I’ll have to walk through yet another really hard transition all.over.again.

Here we go again……. Please Jesus, sit beside me in this chair…

? :: 10/29/18 :: Post 411

What are we doing, Lord…what are we doing?

Where are we going?

What does this all mean?

Why?

October 29 of 31 :: 10/29/19 :: Post 774

There is a fine line between fear and faith. It’s so fine it is like the millimeter that separates the person from the edge and from the jump.

Fear is a motivator…it can cause action to happen. Often, though, the action that follows fear is incomplete. It gets stuck in anxiety and trepidation. It is tentative and insecure. And it gets muddled; the true outcome, stonewalled. Faith is also a motivator…it, too, causes action to happen. The leap off the edge comes with freedom, a full experience and a new perspective.

The reality is, that in both faith and fear, there still awaits an unknown. The question is – will I avoid the unknown because it’s too scary or will I embrace it and fully experience all that it has to offer? Even when it’s hard? I think this is how I’ve come to experience cancer…every part of this has been walking that fine line, every part of this has been the millimeter between the edge and the jump.

Most days I choose to jump. And to me, this is what it means to live fully in-between the memory and the what-if. And I hope I am always mindful of this lesson…no matter the next hard thing that comes.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

…Day twenty-nine – Nerve damage is life-long and where I once had feeling, there is none left after mastectomies and reconstruction. It is hard to truly describe this loss…and had I known, I would have been far more intentional about fully feeling when I had full feeling.