The prayer I wrote 3 years ago tonight has a sentiment that I continue to cling to.
Lord Jesus, be beside me.
*Post 932
It’s So Much More Than Just Hair :: 10/23/17 :: Post 56
Dear Lord Jesus, be beside me in that chair as she cuts off my hair and then shaves my head. Be beside me as I grieve yet another huge loss. Be beside me as I see myself slowly lose the hair I was born with…
…Strip after strip of hair as she shaves it off.
Sit with me as I watch memories……….
…of me as a little girl with my long pigtail braids after an epic battle of hair-brushing,
…or me as a 4th grader with the coolest 80’s crimped hair in a scrunchie,
…or me as an 8th grader with huge 90’s bangs,
…or me as an athlete with a ponytail ready for competition,
…or me as a bride with a fancy up-do for a fancy day,
…or me as a new mom that had to cut her hair short hair because the sweetest babies would pull on it,
…or me as a professional teaching and counseling and presenting in front of hundreds, maybe even thousands of people over the years,
…or me as a woman who has started to find more and more gray hairs which I have lovingly named after my daughters, fall to the floor, strand by strand.
Hold me as I sit in disbelief that my hair has meant so much and yet wipe my tears as I grieve the loss of more than hair.
Sit in patience with me as I yell at you because I don’t understand why, and I don’t want this.
Cradle me as I struggle and wrestle with how to redefine beauty. As I process a look I have never imagined having to have. As I try on wigs and hats and scarves. As I learn how to live in a changed and sick body. As I figure out how to accept a new normal that feels so vulnerable and scary. As I struggle with confidence because I have to redefine that, too…along with femininity and sexiness and intimacy.
Be beside me as I step foot on this next plank on one of the hardest bridges of my life. That I may trust that You will make all things good….that beauty can come from ashes…that the battle is worth the scars….that You have a purpose and will sanctify me in ways only cancer and scars and baldness and sickness can do. That You will show me, someway…someday…somehow that this all matters. That this was all for something, that this was never in vain.
Lord Jesus, be beside me in that chair……….. as this is so much more than just hair.
Back :: 10/23/18 :: Post 405
Back
Back to work for a bit today. The inconsistency of being in and out of the office because of cancer has been incredibly difficult.
But I’m grateful for my job.
Back to Dr. Williams for another post-op. Living the friggen dream standing birthday-suit-naked in front of a man that is trained to look critically at my body…how it’s shaped, how much fat I have, what is wrong with it so he can fix it… so very hard.
But I’m grateful this expert will not give up and that he cares about my results.
I’m exhausted.
October 23 of 31 :: 10/23/19 :: Post 768
Being authentic is really hard. And it’s hard not to turn it into a cliché. “Be you” and “You do you” are not really what I’m talking about… Rather, this is what I’ve learned: Real authenticity takes courage. Being authentic is allowing vulnerability from yourself and from others. Being authentic means acknowledging honest emotions and thoughts even if they don’t sound wrapped-in-a-pretty-little-package worthy. Being authentic means that you will fail and it’s also about how you respond to failure. Being authentic is hoping that those you share your authenticity with can accept it and when they don’t, you keep offering it even when it’s risky. Being authentic is learning who you are…and note that I didn’t say ‘knowing’ who you are. There is a difference. Being authentic doesn’t mean you compromise your wellness or your safety, certainly, but it might mean that you could learn how to discern unwise compromise from personal growth challenge.
I think cancer is teaching me how to truly live authentically. How to not make excuses or offer platitudes in my own head. How to not pretend so that others accept or like me more because ‘everything is always good.’ Authenticity is hard because it requires intentional choice to accept the depths of experiences. But as deep the experiences are, so are they rich. That is the payoff.
Breast Cancer Awareness Month…
…Day twenty-three – Please don’t tell those with cancer that ‘it could always be worse.’