Getting here was a challenge. We wanted to say ‘yes’ to this because cancer is teaching us to say ‘yes’ to things like this. But saying ‘yes’ to this wasn’t so simple. 2 of the 5 of us have terrible travel anxiety. 3 of the 5 of us get carsick (and this trip has been almost all driving to the tune of I-lost-count-of-the-hours). And when we booked this trip, school and volleyball weren’t really an issue because nothing was happening due to covid. And yet, in the 2 weeks just prior to our trip, both school (for 4 of the 5 of us) and volleyball (for 3 of the 5 of us) happened, hence complicating our trip face-palm-worthy. It was a back-and-forth, day-by-day, up-to-the-last-minute, not-even-sure-we’d-make-the-trip-happen-until-all-5-of-us-were-at-cruising-speeds-high-in-the-sky kind of deal. Whew.

And if that wasn’t enough…

Being here has also been a challenge. L i t e r a l l y each day’s plans didn’t end up the way we intended…driving hours were comically extended beyond what we’d planned (because of unplanned but necessary detours), we lost time and progress (because of unexpected complications of one thing or another), we encountered late departures or arrivals (causing actual planned things to be adjusted), we missed out on valuable encounters (because of misaligned timing), one of the main reasons for booking this cabin fell through at literally the last minute (making the cabin an unnecessary but too-late-to-cancel expense), a fun benefit of driving a kid to an airport to fly home alone (because of volleyball) didn’t end up working out (because of covid) so the benefit went unrealized, and the colors of fall…the essence of our trip…aren’t yet close enough to their peak (causing us to have to travel farther and higher to merely get a taste of what their beauty actually is) because we were simply a week too early. Whew.

I could sit here and say, “This sucks.” Or “I want a do-over.” Or “2020. AmIRight?” And I’m certain I’d have people (my family, first in line) say it’s justified. And, in the spirit of authenticity – I have absolutely thought those three sentiments, and a few $#@& others, many times over the past 6 days… But, I am a both+and person, now more than I ever have been in my life. Thank you, cancer.

So. . .

As I’ve frustratingly expressed the “are you kidding me,” I’ve also changed my focus. I’ve taken deep breaths and paused in the unexpected so I could see what was present there. I’ve let go of the minutiae of what couldn’t be controlled in order to have more energy to experience what wouldn’t have been had the minutiae been exact-to-blueprint. I’ve found myself falling into old habits and then consciously pulling myself out and into new ones…reminding myself that it’s the space between the target and the arrow that matters. I’ve had a chance for the hands-on learning of what it means to “live in the actual and not in the plan.” And I’ve been given the opportunity to not only recognize, but also to practice that seeking is very different than looking.

Live in the actual and not in the plan.

@AmberNichole

Here, on a day that I thought I’d be in Washington DC, I sit in this sweet little unnecessary and too-late-to-cancel cabin in Shenandoah, with 2 less people than we were expecting, and I reflect on the myriad of metaphors and life-long-lessons that the past 6 days have offered. And I’m grateful that while things haven’t gone just right, everything is more than all right.

*Post 926

Why :: 10/17/17 :: Post 50

Every day is hard. I’m heavy-hearted tonight. I don’t even know where to start other than I’m sad. I’ve cried a lot this evening. The floodgates opened about 10 minutes before I left work and they haven’t really closed up.

Why me?
Why now?
Why this?

I know there is purpose. I’ve written about it. I’m walking it out. But it is daunting to think that I may not see the purpose for years. Or maybe the purpose is in the experience. But I don’t want this experience.

I hurt every moment of every day. I am, therefore reminded every moment of every day what I am battling. My body is weak. My soul is laden. My heart is heavy. My mind is tired.

I mentioned to a friend tonight that “I felt better yesterday” and then I had a strange moment of [better]?? How do I quantify good, better, best, bad, awful when everything is hard? When everything hurts?

All that said, work was actually fine today even though it sounds like it was an awful day. …I even saw a couple of clients. But I was not as strong as yesterday. I figured I would get stronger as the week progresses…. I guess this is just another thing that threw me off. I got in the car after work and just let the tears come. I was exhausted. It is really hard having to ask for help. It is really hard to be sitting on the phone and wishing the phone conversation could end because of how heavy the phone feels. It is really hard focusing on things that aren’t life and death because, well, I’ve kind of got a life and death thing going on here. And it is really hard being less than 100% when I’ve worked my whole life at 110. It truly sucks.

I guess I have to start letting my expectations go.

Oh! Right…that’s what the crisis at the beginning of the year taught me (that I have clearly lost track of). I need to be right here and not expect things when I have no context of what this is until I’m IN it…moment by moment. My friend and I laughed tonight at the one thing I can guarantee – unpredictability. *eye roll

Turns out, we didn’t actually find it that funny.

And now I’m tired of sitting in a chair. So, I’m gonna go lay down in bed. And hurt. Because that is my reality now. Sitting – hurts. Laying down – hurts.

I just want to go back to the way it was and just erase this from my memory. But I can’t. So, I will bank on the fact that I am resilient (another reminder from another friend today) and I will get up again tomorrow and see what the day is.

The Eve Before :: 10/17/18 :: Post 399

The eve before another surgery…

I’d never, in a million years, think I’d have to have a bilateral mastectomy. I’d never, in a million years, think I’d have to have a port placed, used and then removed. I’d never, in a million years, think I’d have to have a tissue transplant. I’d never, in a million years, think I’d have to have my uterus and everything with it taken out.

Another thing I didn’t know (or never for a million years saw coming) was that putting me back together was going to be a series of several surgeries.

Everything, so far, has been nothing but the blackness of the unknown…the complete inability to see what was coming, the impossibility of knowing what to expect. Tomorrow’s surgery, though, is a little different. I have done this one before….8 weeks ago….so there is a little bit of light illuminating what lies ahead. That said, it’s funny how the body forgets. I don’t remember the actual pain I was in. I do, however, remember thinking to myself, “oh gosh, I have to do this again and that is going to suck…” and I do remember thinking to myself, “the pain that I am in is significantly worse than I was expecting and I will have to feel all these same pains again…” and I do remember thinking to myself, “you’ll want to remember this pain so that it doesn’t blindside you when you have to do it again…” Well, here we are. And I don’t remember. But I do know it’s going to be rough.

I’m not sure what I prefer more – the blackness of the unknown or the sliver of light that gives me just enough to remember how awful it will be….

The eve before another surgery……………Lord, go before me.

October 17 of 31 :: 10/17/19 :: Post 762

I find myself frustrated that I can’t come up with anything else other than, “I don’t feel well” to write tonight. I have an awful headache. My body hurts from literally the top of my head to the bottom of my feet. My spirit feels down and prickly.

And I find myself wrestling with shame. Shame that I am not just ‘over it’ and ‘all better’ and ‘only focusing on the positive’… Shame that I can’t ‘at least’ myself into a better brain space. Shame that I am a broken record.

But this is what is real and I choose to be real even though it’s not ‘the social media way’ or sugarcoated to make it easier to hear…So tonight, this is how it is. I’m tired and hurting and that seems to be all I can focus on.

Breast Cancer Awareness Month…

…Day seventeen – There is much to be grateful for even in the despair. Gratitude doesn’t cancel out the pain and devastation, it just lives right beside it.