I look at life through an “everything has meaning” kind of lens. I’m always looking for the connections, the metaphors that illustrate life, the deeper meanings that come with something as small as a ladybug. And I love looking at life this way. It always helps me put words to my experiences and my emotions. Today was no different. So even though I felt awful, the pain and sadness significant, when Chris said, ‘let’s go to the mountains,’ I said, ‘yes.’ (It’s important I say ‘yes’ to time spent with my person…no doubt he has said ‘yes’ to me.) 

We went to a mountain trailhead that we’ve been to many times before but today we took a different path. [Insert your own metaphor here. 😉 ] While we were walking, three thoughts came to mind based on the scene that surrounded me. 1. The haze in the air was just enough to dull the beauty but still offer the view, 2. The difficulty of the trail varies due to the variables, and 3. Going back the way you came offers a different perspective.

For me, each of these sentiments hold a deep significance. I struggle to feel beautiful in a body marred by cancer and I have a difficult time making sense of the duality of being angry toward my body but grateful for its resilience. Talk about a dulled but inherent beauty… It also hit me as interesting that I was s t r u g g l i n g on the trail today big time yet it wasn’t as difficult as the Bear Dunes in Michigan which I was climbing just 6 weeks ago. *shoulder shrug. It clearly wasn’t the actual trail that determined difficulty because one was technically easier than the other. This, right here, is where I’ll tell you that it does.NOT.matter the diagnosis or the prognosis of cancer, the stage or the treatment plan…it is all relative. So, my caregivers – their trail is hard. My friends with stage 1 – their trail is hard. My friends with mets (metastatic cancer) – their trail is hard. Those left behind – their trail is hard. You, in whatever your story is – your trail is hard. It’s simply the variables, some controllable and some not-so-much. 

And finally, as we had to turn around and come back the way we came, I felt defeated by that. I hate that I, a once-D1-calibered athlete, physically cannot do the 3 mile loop and my knee-jerk reaction is to hate the middle-of-the-walk turnaround. But as we were walking back, I looked up and noticed that my view was different. And then I realized that there is much to be gained when spending some time on the road already traveled. I’m not talking hindsight – where I walk the same road again in the original direction using what I learned the first time to walk it different, instead, I’m talking about the reflection in the turnaround. What new can I learn by stepping into the same steps but facing the other direction with no intention of changing the story?  What about for you?

*Post 883

9/4/17 :: Post 3 :: God Wastes Nothing…

I had a friend ask me tonight where I am at in this whole thing. I am all over the place. Okay one minute, not okay the next. It’s a strange thing to acknowledge the reality of something and yet not be able to make sense of it. How do I act? What do I feel? The normal I had doesn’t exist anymore so how do I do normal? Cleaning my house feels different. Cooking dinner feels different. Watching TV feels different. I did all of these things today and I feel different. But I know God wastes nothing… 

While I don’t necessarily know where I am at in this process, I do know that I am feeling grief. Deep soul-wrenching grief. Yes, I am alive (walking away from a serious car accident is a good reminder of my gratitude for life) and yes, I am alive to fight this battle. But friends, this chapter of my story means the loss of many things before the next chapter is written (and it’s a long way away). I’m losing a part of my body that is like losing an arm. I’m losing a part of my body that makes me feel beautiful and feminine. I’m losing a part of my body that fed three beautiful baby girls. I’m losing sensuality and nipples and all I will have left are scars. Scars that don’t feel good. I’m losing hair and maybe eyebrows and eyelashes. I’m losing parts of my outer appearance that I really like. I will look and feel different in every.single.way. And even when this is all said and done and my boobs are reconstructed and looking amazing (according to my plastic surgeon) and my hair has grown back and my eyebrows and eyelashes are all grown in, I will be different. Forever different. I’m losing a normal that I really loved. But I know God wastes nothing…

It’s interesting being so angry with the cancer that has invaded my body and so angry with the boobs that hold that cancer and so willing to just say “cut ’em off” and yet so sad with the reality of all of what that sentence actually is. And the fact that this freight train came out of nowhere makes this even more difficult to make sense of…I can’t blame anything, I can’t explain this with logic, I can’t put two-and-two together. But I know that God wastes nothing… 

My Middle came in and talked with me tonight. She is feeling fear (amen, sister). We talked about her fears. We talked about how our fear doesn’t mean we are sinning or we are bad people or upsetting God. We talked about the realness of being afraid. I am, too, baby. I am, too. We talked about fear as a human condition and faith as a spiritual truth. And that we will cling to the spiritual truth when we feel humanly afraid. And I know that God wastes nothing… 

So we talked about that. About how God wastes nothing – not our fears, not our tears, not our pain…He doesn’t waste our experiences (good and bad)… And then we talked about how if God wastes nothing, then we shouldn’t either. What might God have for us in our stories? How might He use this…us… ??? She is a daughter watching her mom fight for her life. She has a heart of compassion that is being refined in the fire of trial. She has a spirit created by God to do amazing things in her life this side of heaven…… I am a woman with breast cancer. I am stubborn with strength and resilience flowing through my veins (thanks grandma and mom). 🙂 I am a wife, mother, daughter, friend and counselor who wants to live out God’s purpose for my life……no matter the cost. So if God wastes nothing and makes all things good for those that love Him, then what possibly is to come?! 

I can’t see it now. I still see grief. And loss. And pain. And struggle. And a long road ahead. But I have a spiritual truth that God.Wastes.Nothing. So I won’t either and I know that who I am to become will be a powerful testament to the God I serve.

9/4/18 :: Post 355 :: The Black of the Unknown

I’m numb.

Last year at this time I was sitting in the most difficult dark unknowns… I had been through the treachery of imaging –> biopsy –> diagnosis –> consults and I still had surgeries, chemo and radiation ahead. I was afraid and uncertain of the road ahead because the short road behind me about took me out. I was weary before it all really started…. and I was unsure if I’d survive any of it. Tonight, a year later, I suddenly find myself in familiarity. 

In a matter of 2 hours, and a little piece of information, my life, once again, looks unclear and uncertain. I went to my OB today for a follow up ultrasound to complete my annual exam and to take the next necessary step to schedule my hysterectomy. Bottom line, there are concerns. So…she suggested a simple biopsy prior to meeting with the doctor that would do my hysterectomy. (That was a fun procedure. Good God haven’t I been through enough?) Anyways, I left the office with some cramping, spotting and an appointment to discuss surgery. 

While that appointment was challenging for a few reasons – having to undress and sit in stirrups for two different people at two different times, one of which was unplanned, it was also hard because, well, the word biopsy is a massively triggering word. And the pain of the procedure was no joke. So, I left feeling down. And weary. And uncomfortable. And somewhat anxious. And honestly, deeply angry with my body. But I had a pre-surgery appointment scheduled. So whatever. None of that will really end up mattering anyways cuz it’s all coming out. And I have now 5 doctors agreeing with me. 

And then an hour later my phone rang. It was my OB. “There needs to be a change of plans. You need to schedule an appointment with a gynecological oncologist. They will need to do further testing, including more biopsies, and they will talk with you about the possibility of your hysterectomy. While I am thinking everything will be okay, there are some concerns and we want the experts to take care of you. You need to schedule an appointment as soon as you can get in.”

Um….

And then I cried tears that have stained my cheeks before. Tears of the unknowns of cancer. Tears of being at the mercy of medical professionals. Tears of waiting for results and appointments and answers. Tears of anger and confusion and fear. Tears of weariness. Tears of heartache because of the uncertainties that lie ahead. Tears of intense vulnerabilities and the acknowledgement of more to come…more people all up in my business…more procedures….more nakedness.

I don’t know that anything is wrong. And I’m trying to remain hopeful that it’s all just a part of the routine. And I’m trying to be mindful of what this past year has taught me. And I’m trying to live changed even in the midst of something that feels dreadfully familiar. But here I am. Sitting in the black of the unknown. Again. And my mouth hangs open at the absurdity of it all. And my heart is starting to turn off. 

9/4/19 :: Post 720 :: Sarah

Sarah. I love this girl. And I miss this girl. And she’s one of my best. She moved to a different state around the same time that cancer was rearing its ugly head. And that was really hard. We only get to see each other through the phone but this week, she visited Colorado and tonight, I got to see her face to face. And her cute little son. …The icing on the cake…Because I have created important change in my life, I had the capacity to work a full day and help prepare a volleyball team for their first game in addition to meeting Sarah for a late dinner to enjoy her company. 

That’s such confirmation that I am right where I need to be. Forever grateful for God’s grace in all I’ve learned and how I’m living changed moment by moment.