A, I’m so sorry. I’m sorry you got the call. I’m sorry you heard the words. I’m sorry you’re checking things off of a very unwanted list of directives. I’m sorry for your people. I love you and I’m here….to listen. To share. To bolster. To be a companion. All however helpful.
It’s interesting having such a close friend encountering such similarities during the exact same time as I did just 3 years ago. Next year, our anniversaries will come at the same times. From now until forever, we will share something that, frankly, I wish we weren’t but I’m glad that if we have to, it’s together. It’s heavy to continue to walk my own story out while she’s embarking on hers. I sit in a tension of not wanting to make her story about me but also connect with mine in order to help her….the constant back and forth of ‘don’t project but don’t not provide.’ I find that every word that comes out of my mouth either to her or about her is v e r y s l o w. I’m uncertain how to support. I’m desperate to help. The burden of knowledge, astronomical. I will do the best I can as I walk beside her knowing that authentic presence is the best part of me to offer. Interesting, also, is that 3 years ago today, it was her house that we were invited to for an impromptu gathering of support as I was wrapping my head around my bilateral mastectomy a short 5 days later.
A, I love you and I’m grateful to call you friend and that we have such a fun and long history. You know I’m here, genuinely walking my story while encouraging you to do the same. *Post 882 written on 9/3/20
9/3/17 :: Post 2 :: I Love My People
Today was soul-filling. I am so blessed by the people God has woven into my story.
First, MyLifeLine and the window into my story that it provides…thank you for being on here with me and walking this with me. Second, a dear friend and the youth pastor at our church called together a group of my church family to pray over me, Chris and the girls this morning after church. I am full of gratitude for the time they all shared to bolster our family in this storm. You are each a treasure, thank you for sharing yourself with me and my family. For holding us dear. Third, another dear friend had a little impromptu lunch at her house – it was low-key (which I really needed) and I was surrounded by more love from women and men who I admire so much. And Chris was surrounded by people that will hold him up as the unknowns ahead are lived out. (And our children had time with friends today…just to play.) 🙂 Fourth, the outpouring of people’s willingness to help us through the rough seas ahead. I am overwhelmed by the love. For those that want to help: 1. My sister-in-law is helping organize meals. 2. My friend and colleague is organizing a prayer chain. She posted a message on facebook and on the guest message on here, but in case you didn’t see it and you want to participate, here is her message and contact info: “Many of you have recently heard or you are just learning that Amber is starting a journey to battle Breast Cancer. I believe many of us will be praying regularly or daily for Amber, Chris and their girls, which is awesome! In addition to that I would like to start a prayer rotation every Tuesday and Thursday. I will create a list and would ask that everyone on the list would fast and pray for Amber and her family on the day they are assigned. You don’t have to do a complete fast for the day – you can fast from social media, TV, solid food, coffee, etc. The goal is just to go without something to help you remember Amber and pray for her. Whenever you go to do that “thing” or want to consume that “thing”, you would pause and pray for Amber instead. 3. I’m not sure yet what other help we will need but I’ll ask when I know. It’s hard to know when I’m walking blindly to the next directive.
Finally, some specific prayer requests: 1. Haleigh has strep. Pray she gets well. Also, I CANNOT GET SICK before my surgery. Please pray for my health to remain in perfect condition so that I can follow through on that next big hurdle. 2. My heart. I am anxious. I am grieving so many losses. The reality of it all is starting to hit like freight trains. And they come at unexpected times. One minute I’ll be doing okay, the next I’m a puddle on the floor. 3. My girls – for strength in the week ahead. They are each processing this differently but I know they are experiencing anxiety. Pray for peace in their spirits.
Thank you, everyone. Talk soon…
9/3/18 :: Post 354 :: Where
Since every day is different and each day can be in and of itself while in the midst of the big picture, I decided today that I will write first and then read what I wrote a year ago. I think I want to honor the story as it was being written last year and I want to pull up those memories, but I also want to continue to be mindful of being present in what is happening NOW. This might change depending on the day and there is a part of that that is also practicing presence, but tonight, I’ll just write and then read.
Today was full. Family came over to help us continue to work on the house. It’s so much work…. Chris is amazing…. But we are so ready for the next step in this process. And I can’t help much at all which feels really hard. Of course, I’m busy getting better and stronger and battling cancer, but still.
Other than that, nothing to report. We are fried. Weary. But grateful. Lord Jesus, where will you have us?
9/3/19 :: Post 719 :: A New Thing
I was driving into work today…my first day at my new job…and I found myself very anxious. What was I walking into? What waited for me? Would I have a warm welcome? Am I crazy to have left the comfort of 9 years of experience and being the boss? I’m a newbie again. I don’t know my way around. I don’t know all of the people nor do I know the dynamics of all of the people. I can’t measure up because I don’t yet know what is expected of me.
It’s vulnerable here.
And then I remembered some important things:
- Everything is temporary. I will not be the newbie forever.
- Moment by moment I will learn the information I need to be successful. And when I don’t have enough information, it’s time to ask.
- Vulnerability isn’t inherently bad. It keeps me humble and it keeps me grounded on the truth that without Him, I am nothing and with Him, I have what I need.
- Doing a new thing requires starting the new thing.
- I don’t have to worry about Day 2, I’m not there yet. Just let Day 1 be what it is and soak it up because once it’s over, it’s over.
- Assume the best. Acknowledge the human. And always offer grace.
- Confidence is quiet. I trust God’s design for my life so I do not need to give into the chaos of insecurity.
- The unknown is neutral as long as I keep it neutral…it doesn’t need to be feared, nor does it need to be dramatic.
Several months ago, I wrote about how survivorship can sometimes feel like a barren wasteland. And some days it absolutely feels like I am wandering, uncertain of what direction I’m heading and unsure if I will have what I need along the way…Yet as I start this new thing, I am reminded of a verse in Isaiah (43:19): See, I am doing a new thing! Now it springs up; do you not perceive it? I am making a way in the wilderness and streams in the wasteland. So, as I prepare for Day 2, there are two additional things that I know:
9. It okay that I don’t know the next step
because
10. I do know Who walks before me, beside me and behind me.