On a walk with a friend tonight, she said something interesting. She was talking about this place in California that she loves to go to because she can just sit and watch the water and in that place, there is a certain calm that only comes with seeing the waves crash into each other just like they have for hundreds of years. The same water. The same waves.

As I sit here and think more on that, I am drawn to the picture she painted, one, because of my own metaphorical meanings derived from the ocean but two, because she said something I’d never really considered before. The same water. The same waves. Day after day. Year after year. Season after season. Storm after storm. Faithful to their purpose in the midst of whatever happens in the big waters adjacent. Impacted, yes, by the seasons and the intensity of the storms at sea, but faithful nonetheless. 

It makes me consider myself as the water—faithful to the purpose despite the circumstances present. The peace found in trusting the purpose when the circumstances are unknown. The freedom in showing up, impacted but not undone. 

Be like the water. Faithful. Peace-filled. Trusting. Free. Changed. Purposed.

*Post 885

3 Years Ago Today

9/6/17 :: Post 5 :: One Day Closer…

Whew. Today was another tough one. I had three (which actually turned into four) pre-surgery/preparatory appointments. From 7:45 this morning to 4:15 this afternoon I was going from one thing to the next. Checking one more box off of my list of things to do before Friday. 

Not to mention all of the life that is lived before the day even starts… get up, take shower, get ready, get children up, get breakfast, make lunches, get them to school … Thank you, Mom for coming to help…Not sure what I’d do without you. This morning was stressful and I was running late and I had to get all the way from Arvada to Highlands Ranch with an awful highway with major construction in between. 

But, I made it. And so did Chris. What a champion…he was not feeling great this morning and he powered through for me. Thank you, Lord….walking through this sucks but I am grateful for those He’s put in my world to walk with me. This husband of mine is truly incredible.

I met with my plastic surgeon and his nurse this morning for pre-op consent, paperwork, recovery details and pictures. Once again I sat shirtless in a room with 4 people looking at my naked self with one angry looking boob….and then I got to go get pictures taken of my naked self. That was fun. *eye roll* At least that room was warm…the other one was freezing. We also got to learn how to clear out these surgery drains (ewww), how to log fluid collection (double ewww), and a few exercises to do to ensure mobility and range of motion returns. “Don’t overdo it but don’t underdo it, too” Well, shoot…what does that mean? My mom lovingly reminded me this evening that I tend to “overdo”….hmmmm. I guess I’ll have to figure that out as I go. Then they gave me all of these prescriptions for meds for after surgery…muscle relaxer, antibiotic, painkiller, something else….and another something else….. Oh, and a prescription for a special post-op camisole from Nordstrom. Uh, ok? (Turns out they are pretty great, so I’m thankful they gave that to me! I would have never known the glory of a post-op mastectomy cami with drain pockets! Wait…what did I just say?) OH, and the best news…the surgeon let me start taking my antibiotics early so that I don’t get sick!! Praise God for the small things that are actually HUGE.

Then we stopped by a pharmacy to get all my prescriptions filled before heading to our next appointment….

So after the plastic surgeon and the pharmacy, I went to a pre-surgery physical therapy consultation. I loved this physical therapist. A fellow believer, a breast cancer survivor herself, and she was so kind. And yet we had to talk about a lot of details around what I know and what I don’t know about my cancer. We had to talk about the danger of lymphedema and how to try and prevent it. We had to talk about the reality of feeling and sensation after surgery. Recovery exercises. Range of motion. Again with the “don’t overdo but also don’t underdo” business… She gave me some insight into what this all will look like from her own story. I also told her about my awful car accident and how I just haven’t had any time to get myself checked out because, well, I’ve had bigger fish to fry. She was astonished that that also happened in August. And again, by the grace of God, I got a little freebie physical therapy appointment to help fix my very twisted and tight body from my accident. 

We then went back to the pharmacy to get my meds so I could get that first dose of antibiotics in me. Whew. Sigh of relief. (I’ll be honest, I had a *slight* meltdown in the car because I didn’t know what all of the generic names were for all of the meds they prescribed and so I flipped out and started crying because I couldn’t figure out which one was the antibiotic. And when I say slight, I mean it wasn’t so slight. Chris had to talk me off of the ledge).

Then we went to Nordstrom for these camis. That took over an hour. For 2 camis. I was standing in the lingerie department with women walking around shopping for bras while I waited for the one employee that had the authorization to help me… Find mastectomy camis. Fill out paperwork for insurance. Talk to me about my cancer. Ask more questions. Talk about more things that I never thought I’d be talking about. Drain pouches. Prosthetic pads in case I want a little extra padding so as to not look obviously flat. So…an hour plus and 100 bucks later I had my two camis. The employee was such a sweet person, though, so for that I’m so grateful. Really. She was a gem. 

Finally, then, I ate lunch in the car while Chris drove us back to my car for us then to go to Hana Designs Wig Studio. I think this one ended up being the hardest of my day. I walked in to see hundreds of wigs. Hair everywhere. And it hit me like a freight train that my hair was going to be gone. I sat down with a sweet employee who asked me lots of questions about why I was there, what I was hoping for, if I had questions…. Um, I don’t know. I’ve never shopped for a wig before? How do I choose one (when they range from $300-$6000)? Synthetic or human hair? Where do I start? So she brought me some to try on. And I did. And I didn’t look like me. And I got very sad. Those wigs are an amazing work of art and oddly comfortable, but it was a not-so-gentle reminder that I would be a person that had to wear a wig. Because I was going to be bald. And I didn’t look like me. And then she said “walk around and try different colors and styles on.” I couldn’t. Not today. I tried one – it was red (it was also Chris’ idea). I am NOT a redhead even though I’d love to be. And they didn’t have any hot pink wigs. That I would have tried on. We finished up there talking to Hana. An incredible woman who is a cancer survivor herself who has such love and kindness and compassion. And answers. I’ll start to lose my hair at day 14 after chemo starts. By day 16 it’ll be pretty much gone. She suggests I go in on day 14 and just shave it all off so it’s not so traumatic. I’ll lose eyebrows and eyelashes. She’ll show me how to draw some on if I want. (I think she has eyelashes tattooed on her eyelids…those looked pretty nice). And the hair won’t grow back until at least 8 weeks after my last chemo treatment. And then of course it will take years to be as it is today. She told me other things to be aware of…to think about…to prepare for such as acupuncture is helpful for chemo tolerance. Another new person woven into my story…another beautifully compassionate soul.

What a day. More questions answered. More questions to ask. More information to absorb. More information to learn. More people in my story……

And I was able to see God in little bits today. Antibiotics. Kind people. A loving husband. Freebie physical therapy. Gentle progress in processing all of this as I put one foot in front of the other. More things checked off the list. Tips from survivors. One day closer to surgery. Dinner made for us when we got home by my aunt. Lunches and breakfasts made for the week by my cousin. A visit by my mom. We are all home safe and sound for another night and God-willing another day tomorrow. 

The storm is raging on but my God walks on water. I think I’ll cling to that tonight.

2 Years Ago Today

9/6/18 :: Post 357 :: Like. Painfully Different

I laughed today. Like. A lot. 

Lunchtime at work is one of my favorite times. We all eat together and the conversations had at a pregnancy center are hilarious……….

It was wonderful to laugh. 

It also hurts. Like. Intensely hurts. My muscles in my entire core, from my neck down, tightly cramp and it’s all because of the trauma my body has endured.

That sucks. Like. Major.

Just like hugging, I intend on laughter being a part of my life….it just looks and feels very different. Like. Painfully different.

1 Year Ago Today

9/6/19 :: Post 722 :: A Picture of Beauty

I had my counseling appointment this morning. We were working on some EMDR stuff and one of the things we were doing was discussing some resources for my heart and mind to go to when I’m experiencing trauma responses. 

Melanie asked me to describe to her what I think are the qualities and the picture of a perfect mom. The context is that of a maternal protector in times of crisis and trauma….

The picture that came to mind…and one that filled my eyes and stained my cheeks with tears…was that of my own mother, sitting on the floor at the base of my cancer chair, rubbing my feet. 

Her mere presence with me during the hardest time of my life is incredibly special. But also, the fact that she would choose to sit with me in the immense pain – watch me hurt, watch me cry, listen to my wrestling or to my silence…see my baldness and my sickliness and the destruction of cancer on my body, heart, mind and soul – is such a picture of the woman she is and the woman I strive to be. As she sat there, rubbing my aching feet with the perfect combination of essential oils, she was (and continues to be) the epitome of strength and selflessness. 

As I sit here tonight, recalling this memory because of what counseling brought up today, my eyes again fill with tears. What a precious picture this is that I get to hold deep in my heart…what an amazing example of a servant spirit I get to follow…and what a sweet gift this is that I get to cherish forever.